What would you do if you could live your life differently? If you weren’t bound by all the limitations and you could finally live free? Free from ridicule and the predetermined weight that has been bestowed onto you and live within the light and be privy to all the feels. There are those that have been sent to conquer us. You can see it in their face every time that it appears. What would it feel like to be loved for all that you are, without focusing on your weakness to let it keep all the good people away.

To find the words to try and express how I am feeling is something that is hard for me to do. There are those that are watching me with eagle eyes waiting along the side lines so they can lower the boom. All I want is to live peacefully out from my shadows. I don’t bother them so why is it they have troubles just going away? I tried to keep those that had less than honourable intentions at bay but they just kept on hounding me in the hopes that one day they may just get their way. I will never succumb to bullies or will I forgive them after the fact. I do what I do to be courteous and civil but once you are at arms length there is nothing more for you to say.

So I rise up to the challenge of is today going to be the day? Is the day going to be the day that I get all the feels and finally feel alive in a way that hasn’t happened to me in a long time. I want the presence of another to move my soul. Are you there with me or have I spun out of control?

I used to fantasize about the future I wanted and the people I thought I wanted there. You know the ones that we grow old with rehashing the days of our youth before we get too old. Over time personality flaws became too apparent that I couldn’t ignore. I couldn’t sell out my parents or even my siblings for no amount of money or gold that could be found in the world. The more toxic my surroundings the more volatile I became. I didn’t stand around waiting for the snakes to reveal themselves in the shadows, I just cut myself off from them and ran.

I paid attention to those that were around when I needed them most. I also paid attention when they were caught in a bold faced lie. What people will do and say when they are caught red handed is more than enough comedy for one day. I think that is what gets to me. When it is so much easier to tell the truth why do so many people insist on telling all these lies. The bigger the lie the harder it is to remember that is why it is easiest to stick with the truth. You can only be shady until the sun starts to rise and that is why I prefer to radiate to the heavens so the world can see my shine.

Yes I maybe be annoying but you don’t need to stick around for it. I haven’t changed much in my 43 years and I don’t see me slowing down for the next 43. I need to change my life and make it count because I have known of great people that no longer can. They were great. In times in darkness where they were forced to struggle I was always in the wings waiting with an open heart and hand.

I can’t believe some people are gone. That is why I won’t lie, cheat or steal. I will call people out on their own BS because I think it is our God given right to be worthy. When I close my eyes I see them exactly the way they used to be. They were so kind when they reached out to guide me. I wonder if they knew that in their own struggles that they were the ones that saved me. I am here because they cared enough to check in on me. How was I to know that they in all actuality were trying to get me to notice them. Maybe they didn’t think of that when they felt my heart break as they went away. I miss them always and think about them every single day. They make me live differently. They make me want to try and have my say.

For every friend I thought I had you reminded me why I had none. You are the reason I desired nobody getting close to me and why I thought I was never going to be worthy of finding true love. I wanted to be. I desired to be but in the end all I could find looking back at me was me. Would that ever be enough? I miss my friends. My real friends. The ones that would check on me in the middle of the night. I think that is why I find it hard to look at my phone in the evening and why I tend to leave it in the furthest room. Please stop hating me because I don’t hate you. All I am trying to do is find my smile.

I think that is what gets under peoples skin their inability to do the things that I can. I am tired of living in darkness. I have always been sad because I let other people dictate my smile. The way they would look at me or talk down to me because of the way I dressed or desired to be myself. Why would I conform to everybody else’s set of standards when there is nothing of value to leech from? Everything is made in a factory in China or maybe by children in Indonesia. Living proof we don’t care what is served at other people’s tables our house is lined with junk to confirm that fact. That is why I like handmade or home cured none of this coming in plastic crap. Sorry for venting I just see this world filling with garbage a lot quicker than we want to give ourselves credit for.