A Broken Mom

With every single name this man calls me my heart breaks a little more. It is not even 6 am here and it has started and a fear what the next two days may bring.

I have been begging this man to let me leave for over a year now. My belief is why keep somebody around that you can’t stand? I don’t even drink and this man calls me a lush. I hate that is whole mantra is to try and bring me down to my knees and not in the good kind of way. He wants to destroy all that I am and all that I could be with little eyes and ears watching all of this go one.

There is something to be said for having to wait for somebody to tell you all the ways that you have failed. I get ridiculed for the family I don’t have but he doesn’t understand why I prefer to keep them at arms length away. One of my sisters told me my mental health was a problem with her. That she needed to keep the crazy and deranged away. I am not either but incredibly broken. It hurts to hear what all these other people can and will insist on saying.

I remember once my sister told me to kill myself. To do the world a favour and do myself away. I remember how awful I felt on the inside, knowing that I didn’t have anybody who would care for me in this world. My Dad already deemed me a write off citing all the ways that I have failed to fuel his fire. Imagine being told in every which way that you are a failure, too stupid to even know how to breathe. If I listened to what everybody was saying about me I would hate myself. Maybe in some ways I already do.

I don’t want to live here. It hurts my heart so much. The only salvation I have is all these animals in my care. That is why I fight so much to spend time with them. It’s not like I am using my time on social media, smoking cigarettes or taking yet another sh*t. People ask why I don’t leave and there are so many variables. I think the most pressing is all the animals that we have rescued here. What comes of them if I leave? I am the only one here who cares for them. I don’t understand the reasoning behind always being so cruel.

Today I am scared. He has two days off to look for all my failures. Is that a spot on the floor that needs to be cleaned? You are the reason why our son has continuous meltdowns. You failed as a mother just like you have failed in everything else that you decide to do.

He goes about his day doing whatever he wants that includes his cigarette smoking which he insists on doing in the house. I didn’t quit all these years ago just to end up in a smoke filled house. There was reason why I asked you when we started dating if you were ever going to quit. Nothing sets me off quicker than being lied to and the realization in my mind who it is I ended up with.

Imagine having nothing giving it all up for your family only to be called a waste of skin to lazy to get anything done. I am so broken in the knowledge that there isn’t a nice bone in his body. Well if there is he saves it for everybody else to use and see. I can’t stand feeling so much hate and constant failure. Maybe there is only one way for me to get the hell out of here.

I share my story because I can’t be the only one. I reach my hand out in the hopes that there is somebody out there looking for and trying to grab onto my hand too. I don’t want to live alone anymore. It would be nice if I had somebody who cared to hold onto. There is this complete devastation that devours me knowing that I may just die alone with no mention or reciprocation of love back. I can’t do this anymore. I feel so broken. All I want is the life and happiness I used to know but I can never have it back.

What I have been forced to witness and endure I can never take back. I hate the constant ridicule of being estranged from my family but like I told him I had a line and I drew it in the sand. Nobody was going to sell me out or tell me to kill myself. My life felt to precious to ever warrant that. Unlike most I know what it feels like to stand alone and there is quite satisfaction in knowing what will happen when your back is turned…nothing. With nobody left to betray you real happiness can begin. Well until I find I way to leave this hell.

In the words of a lazy, stupid, unfit mother who is only trying to do the best that she can I am tired and I have had enough. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth closed and keep in like company like you already do. When your company is a cesspool of liars, thieves and cheaters what else can you ever expect. You get what you have always gotten when you keep those around you who keep putting themselves first and the rest of the world to bed. You will see what I mean when you get there. Those sisters who will sell you out for what they believe is profit. All that is done is a severance of peace and respect and no more words needs to be exchanged or even said.

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