My son is my person. My son is my only person. Over the years I have come across many individuals but only my son can make my heart sing.
It is absolutely horrific to live this life. Forced to endure emotions and feelings that I can no longer control. The violence and rage that comes out of this house is deafening and I for one am growing too tired to rise against adversity and try to stand.
All I want to do is shine. All I want to do is create a world where my son can grow up happy and know that he is loved. I struggle with having nobody close to me but I know the danger that can lurk when emotions get involved. All it takes is one instant of inconsistent jealousy and rage to upset the perfect balance in an already unsavoury home.
Everyday is a new struggle as I fight with my spouse for me to be able to leave this house and just move home. This isn’t a place to raise a family but to keep all if its inhabitants captive and I for one am getting tired of this place.
I like to picture a time where happiness ruled supreme. Where people were kind to each other instead of being malicious and mean. There is something to be said for those individuals that only come out at night. I have always been scared of the darkness because I was forced to witness what other people can truly be. I watched friends set up another friend and beat him into oblivion with their girlfriends capturing it all with their cameras. I remember when they came to the party bragging to me what they had done. They told me his eyes was hanging from his socket and I was just horrified of what they could classify as fun.
It takes a certain type of person to glorify the depraved. This is why so many people are hurting and why there blatant disregard for humanity has become so mainstream. Only do what makes you happiest in the end and pay no mind or mention to how anybody else could possibly feel.
There is so much slanderous filth being tossed around while others pay no mind. It is like they have a team of adulterers who only care about getting their rocks off in any which way that they can find. I see what is being done and I can hear what is being said. I think it is very humorous the way some people trying to pull the wool over our eyes instead.
I have never liked mean people or that I would have to engage in conversations that would have my Grandmother shaking her head. What people say about each other when their friends are not around is all for attention seeking. I know I have been present listening to what others had to say about each other then pretend like everything was ok and attended a party together instead. I don’t like those who can speak bad about others when backs are turned. Isn’t it obvious but they are saying the same exact things about. Maybe they are sharing secrets just to get more of the attention but all I can say to you, and this I promise you, is if they engage in this behaviour once then they will keep on doing it again.
If I can’t buy into the reality of the world it is because it has become to mainstream. I don’t like the idea that we no longer have an identity anymore and if we try to have one then we are ganged up on and made to leave. You over there you are allowed to believe in a life filled of righteous entitlement and happiness but you, no you. You can stay there until the rest of the world decides to leave.
That is why I try to live differently and not conform to anybody else’s set of standards. We have instinct and we have it for a reason it is just the rest of the world needs us to suppress our feelings in order for them to survive. if we didn’t have the ability to question the intentions of another what will happen to us? You can never trust the kindness of strangers unless you want to end up six feet under the ground.
Remember the saying don’t bit the hand who feeds you? Well it depends on who is nearby. Can you pay them off to feel the same way that you do or will they tell the world what they know?
It is hard to continue to desire on shining with so much darkness trying to creep in. I think that is why I am so closed off. It is not like the negativity is contained to just this family though. I see it in almost everything. The way we sell ourselves off to the highest bidder or whomever it maybe for today that has what we want. I for one am tired of being used. Look how far I have come from having nothing at all.
The light of my life for now is my son and in time I know these feelings will change. It is not that it is a good or bad thing it is just what happens as we grow and become who we were meant to be. I know these feelings are bound to change I see my family as living proof. It is like once we prove to ourselves that we are fully capable everybody else just becomes collateral damage.
Live in your best image and continue to always shine. What is never promised is tomorrow so it is best to spend each day appreciative and give yourself a chance to celebrate. Appreciate the simple things in life before they are all gone and remember when times were a little bit simpler when all you had to do was hum if you were too shy to sing along.