Would you believe your biggest flaw isn’t anything about you rather than the type of company you prefer to keep. This I can promise you. Not everybody’s energy is meant to intertwine and it is ok to have the strength to stand alone and leave. I think that is what is wrong with the world, our desire need to find unconditional love and acceptance. I broke down in the kitchen this morning thinking this exact same thing.

Trust me when I say this even the most toxic individuals are capable of being nice. They say whatever needs to be said in order for them to get ahead. That is the reason I keep so lil company because I have seen what individuals are capable of doing in the end. When emotions flare up and there an inability to control.

The defense I knew so and so in high school, well some people are capable of change, and not in the best of directions. To each their own but loyalty should be more than an accessory or a delectable lil treat. Like the truth. There is no black and white but oh how do we love grey. A mixture of what is to happen in between will keep them guessing and on their toes but not me.

I was granted the greatest gift and that was a glance onto the other side. I don’t want to spend an eternity with toxic lying individuals when I see who is waiting for me on the other side. I know how to live my life now and it gives me a chance to radiate with pride. All I dreamed for was this moment to become a mom so everything else needs to fall along to the wayside.

I think that is the turn we took wrong when we decided money was the be and end all. I don’t understand why we would want to take such a drastic turn when we come to realize that this is all there is to life. It is only for a moment that we get a chance to touch down here so why do we make it so difficult and unbearable to most eyes and ears.

I love beautiful energy and not just dirty ol sex. I want the experience to mean something like it is the last feeling I will ever have here on Earth. When I cried in my kitchen because I am scared I am not worthy of true love. What is happening here in this house I am uncertain but in a house so full how is it that I feel so incredibly alone?

At about 4 in the morning my husband asked me if I was scared of dying to which I already knew the answer so it was easy to reply. It isn’t death that I am scared of it is how it is going to happen. I hope I can go peaceful when I am old at some point while I sleep. I don’t want to experience a long drawn out death or have me go out in some tragic way. I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for the life I lived, especially on such a transitional day.

There has to be a purpose to all of this or none of it makes any sense. Why are some peoples life so beautiful and some are so tragic and painful right to the end? That’s not fair so there needs to be more and it has to go beyond the ancestor line we were born with. Some parents are awful to their children and never should have had them so do their children deserve eternity in utter hell and damnation? Then there is the very real thinking that some didn’t get a chance to evolve into who they were born to be and some offspring could truly be a descendant right from hell. But who knows. I always look for signs that evil is alive in somebody and that all begins by taking a closer look at the company they decide to keep.

Sometimes certain people can be excused based on a human deficiency of some kind. It isn’t their fault they were born that way but there are those that are always somewhat just down right mean. Their love tank is set to evil and putrid darkness the kind that will suffocate and steal from the weak. More to that they will betray their own stabbing anybody that comes close to them straight through the heart or if they miss immediately in the back. It’s more than just a feeling that has made me experience this it has been coming to terms with all that I am.

I hate when people tell me forget who I used to be. I became who I needed to become in order to survive. I don’t think there should be shame for doing what I had to during a period that was very dark and incredibly confusing but I hope that by sharing my story I can pull others into the light to stand beside me. It is owning your own truths and trying to learn from the experience all while evolving and not forgetting who you have become. Be humble and show your forever gratitude because there was a time in your life you called on your angels more than you had to. I still do, shamelessly. I can’t bare the thought after all these years of just letting go. I would rather live alone in my forever memories than trying to get through to somebody who is never going to like me.

That is where I lie with my ghosts, thoughts and my angels hoping for a time that will be pure happiness and bliss. I have to remind myself to be thankful even in the times when those feelings are harder to miss. Yes I am thankful for where I am so why do I allow my thoughts to become so greedy? I think that is the poison of being alone, confined to a solitary where your thoughts become the only words you hear.