There is something to be said for those individuals that just look over your emotional needs and concerns. The ones that can barely see past the end of their nose own nose that sits upon their own face. All they care about is themselves and it becomes more apparent the more you struggle along and try to ask for help. They kick you when they need them most then try to get you to sing their praises when all you feel is betrayed.
Three days have gone by since I have gotten any source of support. This man would rather watch me spin crazy than offer a helping hand. There is something to be said for somebody who has a blatant disregard for all the things that make you happy. I mean does it even make sense why you would continue on in this way?
A part of me thinks that he is wanting me to go insane. That it would be easier if the men in the white coats would come and carry me away. Sometimes I wish they would. It would be way easier than living this way. I never imagined a life where I would be constantly ridiculed or looking over my shoulder constantly even when I am alone in my own house.
I never really knew what true anger was until I was forced to raise a child with a man who despises me. It’s more than obvious in the way he looks at me with such disgust or the way he speaks to me with so much anger and hate interlaced. All I want to do is run away from this life that I find myself in. I am too scared to be myself whenever he is around. I never thought that my husband would be the person that hates me most in the world but here we are living a life that is exactly.
According to my husband everything I do in life is a waste a time. I should stick to cooking and cleaning and get on with it already. That nobody cares to read my blog and editing videos is just a waste of time. That only somebody who is so depraved would care about their social media presence. Sooner or later something has got to give so stop saying you are behind in all the things you want to get done because nobody cares. That is what I get told. That is how I am made to feel. How can anybody find the will to go on when everything is so incredibly toxic right here at home.
There is zero communication between the two of us unless of course we are yelling. It kills me the way he bates me but how am I supposed to feel and what am I to do. Every second of every day I feel so enraged by all the awful things he says to me. I am not stupid, and idiot, or even a retard. I am somebody who desires trying to live my life to the absolute fullest. So I do.
Writing in my blog is something I got into the habit doing a long time ago around the same time our son was born. Everything that was happening was happening so suddenly and what was brewing up inside of me was more than I could communicate to anybody in this world. Even then I told my counsellor how I felt about my husband and she had a session with us both just so that she could see it too.
The most dangerous combination is somebody who plays the victim, me, and somebody who is the attacker, my husband. Nothing gets him off more than being outrageously mean. The things he says when he is angry sends shiver up and down my ancestors graves. Nobody deserves to be talked to like that and that includes even me. I just wish 20 plus lives didn’t hang in the balance if I finally got up the confidence to just leave. That day and time is coming.
So here I am at the butt *ss crack of dawn trying to get the things done in my life that according to my husband are only important to me. I try to tell him that even though not many are watching it is still my reputation and it is important to me to just show up. I need some time to be able to do that and in this house it is best when everybody else is dead to the world.
Think about how that would feel when you are supposed to be in a mutual beneficial and respectful relationship. All I got is a tyrant who cares about his own needs. I think he just maybe incapable of comprehending or even caring to understand how it is the rest of us could possibly feel. He gets angry that all I do is come across as perfect but its not like that I am just trying to have my say. In a world where I am constantly being told to shush or to zip it. What did you expect for me to want to do??
If according to you nobody cares about my life or what I have to say then it shouldn’t matter what I have to write about for that day. I hate the lies that are interwoven into everyday and I hold my breath in knowing that there is no possibility of ever hearing the truth. Sure I can try to make it in any other way but I don’t want to do what everybody else is doing I want to try and pave the way.
I want to be a strong, independent woman, hell bound and determined to try and change the world. That even if the bad man has been sent to come and destroy I will always live to rise and challenge another day. I maybe emotionally overloaded but I am still determined to keep on trying. That nobody will ever defeat me no matter how hard they try I will always think that I can.