I think what blows most peoples minds is I am not as confident as I appear to be. I am a master of the fake it to you make it mantra and don’t let anybody see you waiver or fail. There are no failures in my eyes anyways because of the effort it takes just to get yourself going and put yourself out there. My preference though is to never let another being get under my skin and if they do manage to get there find another way to keep on going.
The constant irritation that comes with always trying to worry about another beings smile is something that you can’t just throw vicariously into the wind. Unless of course it is your own seed then you would do anything you can to protect them from this world. Well you should want to. Especially now in today’s day and age when everything we do in this existence tends to keep.
I have never liked mean and I have stayed away from evil even though there was a time when I grew comfortable with all the things that bumped and crawled in the middle of the night. I know what happens when the rest of the business world closes their eyes and goes to sleep. I have danced with the devil more than once and have learned to tell his tales. What I was forced to witness during these times is nothing short of the greatest evils that have ever hit these shores. I think that is what makes it harder for me to stare down the rabbit hole and want to dive back in. I made it out from there once before and I don’t think I can last another round down there so let’s not even begin.
What most people hate me for is the desire to live my best life which includes always doing my make-up and trying to do my hair. Dying changed everything for me. I still remember the fuchsia colored night gown they cut off of my body. The less than favourable unmentionables that will never ever be a thought of or even mentioned ever again are long gone. Who would have thought that night as I wrapped my belly in ice that we were laying down for the last time as our celestial bodies were getting ready to say goodbye. What the rest of the world will never understand, except for maybe a few, is that I value my existence in a way that not many can.
My confidence comes from fear that we are running out of time and that they end is almost near. Brought on even faster by the potential for all countries to go to war we should draw down deep into ourselves and try to live more honest and more fulfilled but we do the opposite. Immediate gratification while the rest of the world watches to give us our accolades is who we want to be most remembered for. Imagine that. What we do with our intimate partner becomes a game board for anybody who is down to play. We want to capture every angle to tantalize the senses but it is not just the two of us who is getting off. Immortalizing ourselves in these tantric positions our sex life will forever be scrutinized by the masses, including our great, great grandkids. Can you imagine the talks on the playground when those pictures begin to surface and make their rounds.
I think that is why I insist on doing the weird and what not many people are capable of doing. Putting myself out there constantly in the hopes of maybe just reaching that one. All I want is the chance to share my story with somebody who may need to hear it, to give them confidence in order for them to want to live a better life. I know how hard it is to stare at your life and scrutinize wondering what happened to all of your hopes and dreams.
I was that 35 year old loser. Looking for love and sleeping on my basement floor. Correction. I lived in the basement so for me it was the ground floor. I remember the first thing I did was to save up enough money to buy me a couch. I had to wheel and deal with those around me to help get it delivered but it was worth all the sweat and tears just to have a place of my own. I think that was my indication that I could survive through anything even though I felt like a loser for having nothing to really call my own. I had my cat, Lucy. She was always by my side. I can’t believe it has been a year since she has moved on and over. Man how time flies.
That is why it is most important for my story to be put out there. What I was able to work through most others can do it on their own if they desire too. It is hard out there when you feel like you aren’t connected to much and you don’t have nothing. That is what a dear friend of mine used to write to me and say. Before he left this world he used to tell me how sad he was that he didn’t have anybody and how he admired me for sharing my story so they didn’t have to be alone. I miss him showing up during my day at times and I think about him very often. It doesn’t help that my red, beaded necklace that he admired so broke into pieces the day he decided to leave. I have no idea if it was an accident or if it was something he planned to do on purpose, all I know is his light is missing and it got a little bit darker in my world.
I am not confident but I know I am worthy of living my best life in the images of my ancestors that they left behind. There would have been a time when they were younger dreaming of me and what their future may have looked like. Maybe not exactly of me but there would have been a time when they would have dreamed about their future and all the light they would bring into this world. Now I am their light dreaming of their world.