What if today was all we had and forever locked in time our image would be? What would we leave behind for others to rediscover after life as we have come to know it has faded away and disappeared?

My life is so incredibly hectic to the sense that if I had a set of balls I would have long sweated them off. For the amount of running around and back and forth I do it is no wonder I am able to carry a few extra pounds. As soon as I try to sit somebody else makes demand on my time. It is not that I mind but truthfully sometimes I am skating around on my last nerve.

It is not that it is anybody’s fault. That is the way it is. There will be a time where I will have absolutely nothing, either time has taken away everything or life has been lost on me and that single thought terrifies me. How is it going to happen? Who will be the first to go? Do we really slip away into darkness and nothing or do we all meet up in the end with somewhere to go?

So where does that leave us to afraid to just be happy and live our lives? To honestly be able to look yourself in the mirror and feel empowered to try and master another day. To try and touch onto something that may need help, is lost or is incredibly broken is something that is so artistically intertwined masterfully into each and every day.

You have to be willing to put yourself out there or why or we even here? Wouldn’t it make sense that we should share and tell our story with anybody who is willing to listen with their heart and ears? Truthfully. In the end all this will amount to nothing except for a few photographs that we may have printed off over the years.

All of a sudden though we are all so mainstream lost in a techy savvy and social media world. Is anybody who they say they are anymore or is our story more than likely fallen upon deaf ears. It’s not that I care, too much, I am just scared of what is going to happen when I get there and I think that is what motivates me to live through all my biggest fears.

All those years spent in the darkness out of fear of living in the light. Who would see me and would they approve and all those other questions that kept me wide awake at night. All I wanted was to be loved whole heartedly for the woman I have become and as I stand on top of that middle aged hill I think that time for being loved is long gone and has passed through.

Is it a fear of death or fear of being loved or a combination of the two I am not sure. It is quite painful to think about it actually because I have always been a being who has craved the affections and feelings of love. I loved being loved and showing my affection to somebody who cares. I think that is why life has become so utterly exhausting because I have not felt real affection from a human being in years. Animals sure but soul stirring love not so much. It is hard to let your heart feel those feelings when the one you are worth talks down to you all the time. It is heart breaking and oh so degrading.

I look towards the lives that have come before me that may have met an untimely end. Was there life now for nothing now that they are gone and everything they had to try to be and all the things that they had said. Look at everybody who survived through World War 2 hoping that their next of kin will never know days as dark as these but now look at where we are. We maybe just a little more worse off as our obnoxious attitudes fill every social media thread. I am all about trying to promote self esteem and positivity but I would never do it at another beings expense. I also don’t like to celebrate the depraved or those who glorify evil just in case there is a little bit of truth as to where I will end up in the end.

There is something that burns deep inside of me that tells me to try and get the most out of each day. Keep moving and put your best foot forward. It will all begin to make sense in the end. Once we get to where we are going and our body forgets to die we may end up trapped in between our destinations living in limbo in between Heaven and Hell while those that we used to know barely visit and come on by. It’s living proof that most people will do the bare minimum of what is humanely expected of them without even a wayward thought or a bat of an eye.

I keep my circle small and my company deep. There is no expense I won’t share for them to know how much they are appreciated in a world that can be so cold and deeply uncaring. The things that I have been forced to watch happen to those I love at the expense of another is why I continue to tell my story. With so many wolves wearing sheep’s clothing I think I little bit of help identifying them is ok in mind.

There is what one can call growing up and then there is what people do when they age. Ripping off those that gave you them all is something I just can’t stand. What causes another to unleash fury when backs are turned makes me wonder what they would do right there in your face. Some people only have courage because there is safety in numbers and could never get their balance standing on their own two feet. I have witnessed these people and I have seen what they can do. Never underestimate the power of great evil when working in groups. Don’t waste your breath trying to get your point across just keeping looking for greener pastures and cleaner air.