Feeling Shame

The biggest disgrace in the human chain is the amount of beings we try to claim they are inclusive of everybody. They are only inclusive of those that they believe to be below them and any and all beings can go away.

They are the first beings to cast judgement and shame trying to impose their own insecurities onto any other suspecting being. The icing on the cake is their public accolades trying to convince everybody else to believe their lies and buy into their game. I can tell you there are so many of those types of individuals just waiting in the wings for you to fail. I will put on a show for the masses to enjoy but to those who aimed a knife in my back I will block and walk away. One day when I can stand tall and return the favour, I will do so with those that have proven they were loyal after all of these years.

When people don’t get what they want from you they dispose of you accordingly. I don’t give them the chance to get the one over on me. If I get wind of your deception I no longer need you to fill my sails. It makes me laugh the judgement that oozes out so freely even when they try to convince us that they would do no such thing. What good is that for our community? We already receive so much judgement just for trying to breathe.

I will tell anybody that asks who is shady AF and warn them of the potential damage that is to come. I built up my walls to protect my family. There is no way in God’s name they would ever become collateral damage because of some random troll’s hate for me. Once somebody makes a move towards the door I shove them out and throw away the key. The only thing I am scared of is keeping those around me who are only there to find out what they came to see.

Those that can’t handle your shine you should keep at arms distance and even further away if you can handle all that. We only get this one chance to live our life accordingly so why waste your time dancing with the devil when it is far too early for all of that. I do what I do because it makes me feel good for a moment so I am a little bit confused on why I am being judged for that. I see others doing far worse than what I have done but it is me that is always getting the ridicule and the broken heart to boot.

Don’t they think that I am worthy of unconditional love and acceptance or is that an emotion that is better off saved for them? I don’t understand why so many are out to hurt me, I mean it can’t just be me that gives them their evil fill. They are after anybody with just a little bit of confidence who is brave enough to put themselves out there and dare to live another day.

Today is just one of those days where I have been kicked down too often. How did I end up here and will this sinking feeling ever go away? I know I was a terrible being. I was a monster. I became something in my teens that I never thought I could ever be. I kept my nose down but if anybody came close enough I would lash out at them trying to make it so they too would unconditionally bleed.

I don’t want anybody around me anymore because it hurts too much when they decide to leave. They always leave. I am way too much for most people so I just sit here with a blank face trying to remember what it felt like when I was able to fully breathe. I hate being hated but that is all I am. I am not worthy of any kind of affection my own family has taught me that.

I was that girl too damaged to even remember how to smile so I drank and did drugs to try and numb and hideaway the pain. Life would have been so much easier if that poison actually worked. I remember once slicing my wrists wide open then calling a friend because I didn’t want to die and I needed help. What I ended up hearing in a pocket dial would send shivers up and down anybody’s spine. What she did is she got in a vehicle with her cousin and brother and they talked about was all the things that they were going to do to me. There was talk about assault and then of course there was the rape so with every breath left in my bleeding out body I dragged myself to my front door and locked it. I remember hearing them knocking on the door talking about how it was supposed to be left unlocked. Surprisingly they didn’t want to call emergency for help so they left me there to just bleed.

I think they were angry that I wasted their time that night. They thought they were walking into something easy but luckily for me I lived in a basement suite. If they made too much noise my landlords would have heard. So short of a little bit of knocking and name calling they just decided to turn around and leave.

I don’t know why but I am supposed to live out this life. That no matter what disaster would be thrown at me I would figure out a way to get to my senses and find a way to rise. I truly feel like I have nobody in this life and I am tired of feeling this way. I wonder how much longer I will have to endure till I am able to fade away from this existence and finally feel like I belong in a place that I can rest and call home.

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