No Air

All I want is my mom is that too much to ask? In the wee hours of the morning I was woken up by visions of my pasts and I think they were here to tell me that it is coming to be my time. They came to offer me comfort to let me know that in the end that I will be okay. I can’t help the tears from falling now I am sure soon I will be able to breathe.

I came downstairs to talk to my husband to ask him to take me to urgent care. I spent all night propped upright scared I would choke on my breathing as I slept and it was time for me to get help. There was nothing that was working. For whatever reason my body is just incapable of absorbing any iron. I can tell just by my inability to breathe.

Ever be shamed for your health? Try every damn day. I can’t even walk across my kitchen without struggling to breathe. That is how bad things have got. I am not lazy. I am just sick. Even now as I sit here in the air conditioning I still struggle to catch my breath. It’s not like the air is pure. My husband loves to smoke inside this house. I wish I could tell you he had enough respect for us to not smoke in the vehicle but according to him it is me who is being the selfish one.

For as long as I can remember I was told to supplement with iron. I didn’t truly understand how important that element could possibly be. 40% of the population are anemic. Primarily in poverty ridden countries specifically women and children. So why me? The abortion I had at 13 couldn’t have been a help. All things considering that would have been the start of me losing a lot of blood. Over the years there would be more rape and of course that gang style beating and rape that had left me for dead. When you are in your 20’s all you care about is moving on and trying your best to fit into the party scene. At least that was what I did.

The struggle is real. I feel delusional and I feel crazy. I have no idea who it is that I am supposed to be or where it is that I am going. I don’t want anybody around me anymore that is toxic. No more fake friends or people who garnish their secret hate. So I have nobody. Nobody who understands me or nobody who wants to care. I want to die but I get too scared. I call on my angels but when they appear I panic thinking that they have finally come to answer my prayers. I look at my son and think that I couldn’t imagine a life without him but then I remember what I just read.

A mother in our mom’s group was talking about how she raised her sons to be outstanding young lads. She raised them to be responsible and to be independent and to be all the right things. Her crime? Nothing. They just moved away when they became of age so now she has nothing. Sure they visit but rarely and now all she has to look forward to is her Golden Age all alone. I can’t even care for my family properly. I am so beyond tired of being called all these names.

A part of me looks forward to dying if only I can get over that part of never seeing my animals or my mom again. I miss her so much I can’t stand it I feel trapped her and it is something that I never could have believed. I know that I isolated myself away from everybody but I was scared. I still am. If I get the courage to peek out over around the darkness I get shamed by anybody who recognizes me.

Now I just read a headline that literally took the rest of my breath away. Another medical misdiagnosis resulting in a woman almost dying right here in my town. So tell me again how it is I am supposed to trust a health care system in a country that is recognized as having a decent system in place who doesn’t even bother to check for the basic necessities of life.

I wouldn’t have miscarried or died in childbirth if it wasn’t for my iron deficiency that you would think would have showed up in blood work that was done while I was pregnant. I think the only reason why I was prescribed iron pills in the beginning was because that was the medically responsible thing to do once a patient had lost a large amount of blood. Remember I was basically cut in half while they tried to get my son with none of my blood type left in their storage. It should have been stressed to me how important this lil pill would be in my life. At the time I was prescribed 150 mg to be taken nightly now I am up to 300 mg and I still can’t breathe.

There is very little joy here as I struggle for air and get told that I am lazy or just a stupid dumb f*ck. I literally get run off my feet ragged with my son only to have my husband to come home and call me all these degrading names. I already hate myself and he makes me hate myself so much more. I wish that somebody cared to comfort me when I cried. I think I would like that one last time before I finally lose my breath forever and die.

I don’t fit in anywhere and even if I did I wouldn’t have the energy anymore to keep up. I am an 80 year old woman trapped inside this middle aged body and it feels like there is an elephant standing on my chest preventing me from being able to breathe. The worst is when he steps on my neck and I have no choice but to keel over in pain. I can’t live this life for too much longer it hurts in every possible and conceivable way.

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