A Burning Desire

Yesterday was a day of delusions I tell you what. It started the night previous with a real poor sleep because of my inability to be able to breathe. I did sleep a little. The husband said that I sounded like I was choking on air and for all actuality I probably was.

For as long as I can remember I was teased by my friends for being allergic to life. Anything bad that was about to happen would find me and it would be even better if they found me and covered me in hives. I kid you not I was rushed to emergency clinging to life after a visit to the White Rock peer. They had no idea what caused the attack brought on by allergies that I had never, ever had.

It was surreal actually. Sitting there with my friends eating ice cream then all of a sudden I turned purple. Peace Arch Hospital to us Surrey Kids in that mental state of emergency was almost impossible to find. I didn’t even have to sit and wait for the triage nurse after she asked me what was wrong and all I did was pull up my shirt.

I was put on a Benadryl drip that did nothing but put me into a state of shock. I remember my friends looking over me as their eyes filled with tears then they hooked me up to oxygen and began to wheel me away. That really happened. That was a part of my life. I remember my ankles would swell purple for years after, after putting in a hard days work.

There is a certain paranoia that creeps in when your body begins to reject you. Not that you are doing anything differently. In fact the exact opposite but for whatever reason your own body has decided to give up on you. I don’t blame her actually after everything I have done. It is a miracle I am still living and there are times when I am reminded that I should be thankful for that.

Those blessings and those days are all that I live for and I fear that there will be a time when there are few and far between. I wish that everything we have come to know and love never leaves us and we will always carry a fragment of who we once were along with us in our hearts. That we would live in a world where there is no need to harbour shame or guilt for anything that is out of our hands and therefore our own control.

When given the chance to just live freely we would rather oppose our own free will and do everything we can to disrupt perfect order and maybe just a little bit of justice. Perverting nature in every which way that we can. I shudder to think how far we will slingshot into the wrong direction before we learn that where we desired to end up was something we should have tried to ignore.

Like shade. What is the sense in throwing it around so carelessly when it feels a lot better to lend a helping hand. Does it actually feel better to leer down upon everybody instead of being that long awaited comfort right here on Earth. Damned if you do and you will be tarred and feathered if you don’t. I know what has been said about me and why I am hated. I think that is what makes me keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep going forth.

I no longer waste time on anybody. Not anymore. Not ever again. We all had one thing to do and we failed it all miserable when all we had to do was shed a little bit of human decency right here on Earth. What we so willingly destroyed so that somebody else can get ahead has all of our ancestors shuddering and turning over in their graves. I guess movement from the afterlife is better than what we are experiencing now. A society that is having trouble understanding how to identify as their sexual prowess measures and sky rockets right off the charts.

With time running out how do you know where to invest your time? You have to remember where it is that you came from and what it is that you want other people to know about you and what it is that you want them to find out. You can keep your whole life a secret and regret everything in the end but after seeing what waits for us after all this just has me standing there shaking my head.

I can’t make anybody understand what it is that I think I know without other people trying to tell me that I am insane. Maybe I am a little bit bat sh*t crazy and that is what makes me try to live my life in such a way. Always putting myself out there looking for a like minded body and hand. It’s like I insist on walking this life until I find all the pieces of me that finally fit together and make sense.

With no support or friendly ear one does begin to feel themselves slip away from reality. I mean that is the direction that I feel that I am heading. I don’t want to keep believing that maybe it will turn out to be a little bit differently. I have lived this lie for far too long to actually believe that life for me can end out any differently.

I try not to think about all the negatives but some days there is no chance but to get swept away. With every passing day I have a growing fear that my Dad is getting older and he will end up suffering a similar fate as his Father. The only regret I have from when I was younger is not keeping closer family ties. I try not to let it get to bothersome though I did what I did out of fear and a burning desire to want to survive.


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