Well my worst fears are being realized and I am unsure of what to do. You never truly expect it to happen then all of a sudden it starts happening to you. In the beginning you see how potent and potentially dangerous this seemingly narcissistic behaviour could be. It was until yesterday morning with the realization of fear that I may be in a position that could start to be incredibly alarming.
I am not for violence, never have been. After a year and half of abuse when I was a teenager there is no way I could rob my son of his innocence in this way. Even though the words that come out of his mouth are so incredibly alarming and in the end could possibly be my eventual demise.
I brush it aside when my husband tell me he wants me to kill myself that our family would be better off if I could just do myself off in that way. He did stumble once and tell me he would kill me and my son but I do believe that was a case of misplaced rage. I don’t believe he is capable of getting blood on his hands. He has never ever conducted himself in such a way but his behaviour has worn off on my son and it breaks my heart into pieces in every possibly way.
Yesterday for hours my son tried to bait me. I could see it in his eyes and the way he would move towards me. He is only 5 but he mimics the behaviour of his father. The only problem is he has not become a master of being able to control his rage. Either is my husband for that matter. His words will cut you in half with the dullest bladed nife. At midnight last night I got, I was good for nothing that I should just sign him over and be on my way. His case is that I am and always will be a loser. I am not worthy of anything that got him here or into this place. I hate that he lied and that his morals trapped me. I would have risked anything to give my son the family I had spent my whole life waiting for.
My husband LOVEs to say how his family is everything and my family is nothing. Never mind that COVID happened, my parents got into an accident or that cataracts took her eyesight away. Don’t worry she is and will always be on the mend. She is my only ride and die who will never out me or judge me for all the things that I have done wrong. She knows the good bad and the coyote ugly so I could give a damn about those naysayers who are always insisting upon getting in my way.
The whole weekend I busted my hump so that he would be happy but no matter what I do he will find anything out there to pick apart so he can have his say. I have never felt like such a loser ever in my 43 years of existence, it is funny how this feeling is amplified anytime he starts to nose around. He literally burns money smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. I remember when I met him 6 years ago I told him that that habit would have to go away. I should have left back then but it was already too late. He lied about his ability to get a women pregnant. My son is the living proof and case.
I hate myself the most when he is around as I walk around on glass shards hoping not to be found. Every word that he communicates to me is vile and filth designed to keep a hard working being down. I wish we could have a civil conversation where we communicate our hopes, dreams and even life. Know I have to have my wits about me as I look around the house for a crazed child with a knife. Sure it wasn’t a knife but it was a metal wand. He beat me until I got away from him too scared to even make a sound. I don’t want to hurt my child to get him to listen that isn’t my way but I can’t stop my heart from breaking with every possible word that he says.
All I have is my blog to pour out my feelings and my broken heart. I am sick of the lies that keep my bound here and I am hoping and wishing that I can somehow have a fresh start. Not away from my son although he scares me. I told his Doctor if we didn’t get help I am sure he will be one of those children who murders his parents when he turns 16.
This is the hell that I find myself in and I am not allowed to share. Why alleviate some of that stress that has been weighing you down when you can figure it out on your own and in any other way. What if I can’t? What if the evil wins? I am not one for retaliation it would hurt my heart too much if I did.
I think that is why I hope that by sharing my story I may find that one. The one that is sympathetic and oh so understand. Somebody who will stay with me and be my friends over all these years. A human can’t survive alone no matter the comfort of other animal beings they find themselves in. Just two days ago one of my hermit crabs died so there is the air of death that also surrounds me.
So those are my fears. What I gave up everything for maybe my eventual demise. That you can spend your whole life wishing for something and when you get it not all is as it seems. That there is no such thing as fairy tales and happy endings only the magic that you can bring alive from your heart. That the only peace I seem to find is when everything is broken and everything around me has fallen apart.