Love Or Sin

Once I have survived through all the darkness all I want to do is surround myself with light. I was that girl, that person, that they need you to believe but I need you to appreciate and focus on the fact that I was.

Nobody, and I mean nobody can expect to just let what happened to me just run off my back. What is in the past is in the past so stop focusing on it and get a life, right? Think about a big ol sturdy oak tree though, and ya I know we aren’t a tree but inside that stump once cut open is every year of that trees life. You can see the drought, the change in the atmosphere and every little bug or creature that has ever called that tree a home. If something as big and sturdy as a tree, which also started from a teeny, tiny seed, had an imprint of their whole life wouldn’t you and me? Maybe that is what DNA is. A timeline of who we used to be.

That is what they don’t understand and what nobody will ever get. At 13 the choice was ripped away from me on whether or not I was worthy enough to grant another’s life. That is what it boiled down to when I was only just a girl and the true haters in my life will argue that I was actually 14.

Yes I turned 14 in the overlap of events that occurred during that time but nothing will take away that pain of losing something that was me. There was no chance to process or understand why this was happening. Nobody around me to talk to or to try and understand why I was so scared. What confused me the most is that my mom had my sister when she was only just a teen and now I am curious why the same gift wasn’t worthy of being bestowed onto me.

I am so beyond thankful that the internet and social media wasn’t a thing when all this happened to me. I was already bullied for being so incredible different I was just terrified of all the feelings that were inside of me. Desperately wanting to fit in the exact opposite thing occurred. School became my prison where I was tortured with all these thoughts of why I belonged somewhere deep down in the dirt.

That is why my story becomes so incredibly important. It is why I also can’t celebrate who I was when I was a teen. That trend is so awful. You know that teenage dirt bag one. Did you ever think that those images are more than triggering especially if it was your actions that caused somebody else to hurt.

My husband likes to say that I am oblivious to anybody that isn’t me. Ok but what is that supposed to mean? All these years I have been casted aside by people for just being me. When I tell my truths I begin to get scared so my defense mechanisms starts creating scenarios so that I can push everybody around me away. It works. So far I stand alone. I think I am ok with that because than I can see when it comes. It may be lonely from where I stand but I can’t survive the pain. If another being abandons me or lies to me for all the places that I have lived through and been.

If only they knew. They will find out in the end. I don’t know if I am a creature of circumstance or if I manifested all this evil to come and find me in the end. All I know is that I am never forgiven for when I was given the choice I somehow always had chosen to sin. I didn’t want to do half of the things I wanted to do but I did them because I believed I needed to do so in order for me to survive. Maybe there is an evil inside of me all along that was supposed to come out and win. Maybe not though. All I know since I had that visit is that I feel something different come alive inside of me.

I want to be the love and light that the world so desperately needs. To increase the energy in the room, oh so willingly, with just a loving look and a caring smile Not that evil side eye and that smirk that says what is in this experience for me. What is in this moment is something that lasts forever and has the chance to move over into eternity. But dark weighs heavier than light and I have no idea where consistent bad behaviour could eventually lead and make you go but what I do know is I have a desire to move towards the light.

Love and light seems so easy but in all honesty it rarely is. There is something that burns so red hot inside of us that if not handled carefully can burn down entire villages and leave everybody singed. I think it is the confusion of not knowing where we are going or how we got here or how some people always seem to win that drives us mad. Not being content with what it is that we are given is the reason why most people start behaving bad. Truth? Think about it. We are a society who is always wanting more without putting anything in. What is the worst that can actually happen aside from committing one of those delightful seven sins.

That’s where we all go to play when we finally have had enough. If the light refuses to shine on us then the darkness creeps right in to win. Once that happens it is pretty much all over what hope in hell do we have of ever trying to save our own souls. We can’t do it alone no matter how hard it is we try. Some people will always be the loser even though it was out of their power to begin with and I think at the end of it all that is the absolute sin. To never have a chance to be the being you were born to be because of what others were saying about you, to hold you down until your end because they never wanted to give you a helping hand or even a chance to begin.


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