I think of all the names my husband has called me, this one has me feeling the worst. For as long as I can remember it has been my physical body that has failed me. Bringing to life his son was the cause of all that.
I will always maintain the thought that if he was going to treat me this way why would he save me? That is the thought that floats around in my brain. With every insult and disgusted look I feel lower than dirt and I don’t quite understand why I deserve to live my life this way.
My iron is so slow the Doctors call me 3 to 4 times a day. Well ever since that day that I got up and walked out. An hour plus later I got better things to do. I am not going to spend the last few minutes of my life waiting alone in that empty room. What they don’t realize is that I figured it out. I now know the source of my iron deficiency and I didn’t need nobody’s help. Well I will because I do need a prescription for that vitamin B12 but for not anybody with a condescending attitude is just going to have to wait.
I can spend days attending to the tasks that are important to that man without getting to do anything that I want to do. And how does he repay me? By making sure that I know that I am fat and lazy, a sloth, too stupid to even know how to enter a room. Every day it is like this and when I ask him why he treats me like this it is always deflected onto me. No I check out of this horrible existence because I just want to remember a time that I felt happy and actually free.
When I think about the strength that it will take to live another day all I want to do is find a way to make it possible for me to finally leave. What people don’t understand is it’s almost impossible to do all things considering. I put my career on hold so I can raise this family and what thanks do I get but to be called a lazy sh*thead. Oh ya and the fact that he is indirectly aggressive to me when my back is turned and he couldn’t tell the truth to save his own life.
So am I lazy? I don’t think so. I have been gasping for air now for literally 5 years. I allowed everybody around me to make fun of me for the way I breathed. The way I sounded. The way that I coughed when I would smoke weed. It’s like after every single fight all I want to do is medicate and escape for a moment so I can let my thoughts take me away but when I do it is like the devil is standing on my throat making me beg for air.
It’s more to being trapped inside of this body this home has now become my definition of hell. I know I should walk away but I feel guilty. What will happen to all the animals that I rescued if I walk away from this hell and move towards a place that is more accepting of me? All I am is this shell of a woman now that is finding it incredibly hard to find a reason to want to get up and breathe.
The human beings that I surround myself these days are always looking out for number one. Doing the things that make them feel immediately better with little regard for you and me. My son is naturally gravitating towards his Dad because he recognizes that maybe they are one and the same. Not in behaviour anyways but the fact that they are boys and that they stand up to pee. The more he hangs out with his Dad the more awful it is he is to me. Have you ever had to watch your almost 5 year old tell you to kill yourself? Ya that just happened to me. Almost on the daily when he doesn’t get his way. There is nothing more heartbreaking even if you try to convince yourself he is to young to understand what it is he is saying.
There are times when I realize where this is heading and all I want to do is give up. Obviously me staying here isn’t working so I need to finally give into what is happening and try to live for a better day. This life that we created was only possible when all parties were on board. I am just tired of all the negativity and insults and how to me I don’t think he is ever going to stop. What do I do and where do I go? It is hard to process all the thoughts that I am feeling especially when I am unsure of what it is that I am to do.
I am told to eat my feelings and that nobody out there cares. Why keep on writing when nobody is interacting when all it is an outlet for me to try and hurt those that I love? In my mind I think that if those people actually loved me we wouldn’t be here and I would be writing about what ever World topics that day got on my nerves. The World is going to hell in a handbag and all I am trying to do is understand mine. I don’t think that I am a lazy sh*thead. Just extremely exhausted and heart broken of all the bad words and insults that this man over the years has said.