If you always get treated a certain way aren`t you eventually going to fall for that behaviour? Take a look at me. I wouldn’t know a good relationship if it hit me square in the face because I am always sitting here grinding my teeth.
I stopped believing that we need to be defined by those that we love. You know what I mean? I think I know what I mean but in moments of weakness I crave for some kind of love to find me.
I don’t need that matriarch kind. I know my mom’s love is unconditional but it would be nice to have somebody who checks up on me ad cares about my feelings instead of pushing me constantly to the wayside.
I think that is what keeps the world turning. That carnal desire that makes it so that we all just want to be loved. We think if only somebody could possibly love us for all of the horrible mistakes that we have made. Could somebody love us for those horrible decisions or are we always destined for a being that is going to treat us lower than dirt. At times it feels that way.
I feel tired. Mentally, physically and even spiritually. Wouldn’t it be easier if we were all given some sort of manual like we were a new car or even blender. Life used to be simple now it seems so complicated, when did I close my eyes and have the good life taken away?
I want to surround myself with the good life. With good people and energy and all the things that will make my heart move. I think it is similar to the unconditional love I have for animals. Those sweet little faces and the sound of their purrs.
Not anybody needs to understand this part of your journey all you truly need is you. I know that single fact may see daunting at first but I am telling you are worthy and capable of so much more than what it is you already do.
I love that picture of the future that comes so clear to the mind. It is like all this pain and suffering has now been for nothing. Everything that didn’t make sense before finally open up into a whole new world.
I am ready for the next chapter. I truly am. I don’t want to pretend like I needed anybody when I don’t even need to go anywhere. It is just more to having your guard up and keeping it there. Not everybody has come to sing your praises there are those that are only hear to make you afraid.
Darkness is something that exists because there has to be balance for the good, the bad and even the great. We don’t understand it and in this life we never will. How can we when there has been the suffering of so many that makes me want to find a way to stop this world.
I listen to others take on the complete responsibility for their adult sized children and I can’t help but wonder why. When we make little old ladies feel ashamed for our own behaviour we have to wonder what hope of anything good do we have in this world. We have to relinquish some of the power and control and realize they are fully capable of becoming their own being. How can we be held responsible for everything when individually we have been given our own inner power and reason for being that is so much more.
Think about that? If you give somebody the chance to always get the one over on you don’t you think that is a chance that they are always going to take? Excusing away bad behaviour is something that has been engrained deeply inside of us as something that is ok to do and will be ok for us to do as long as we have a reason as to why. I was told that by a cop once to try and excuse away a DUI. I legit had a friend pull down my pants when I was passed out and the movement made me wake up. When I saw what he was doing I pulled up my pants and grabbed my keys and ended up in the ditch, but the female cop told me what I did was ok. As long as I had a purpose for what I was doing it was ok to drive away? Messed up right. No wonder I had a warped sense of self and what I thought I could get away with.
I think it is the biggest tragedy and ultimate sin when we decide to set up limits and boundaries against the way somebody looks or how it is they wear their hair, if they have any to begin with. In the land of no identity why do we always obsess with bringing what one doesn’t have to the spotlight and everybody’s attention. We are all trying to live the best life that we can that is possible and we don’t need so much hate and shade to try and defeat us.
Live your life in such a way that you are responsible for your own goosebumps. Sure it may seem a little bit lonely but I promise you it will be worth it. Not everybody reason is revealed to them so willingly others will walk rather aimlessly like they have lost their way and that is ok. What we need is kindness and room for a little bit of human error and failure and the hope that we can be better with the light of a new day.
I do know where I am going even though the darkness has been sent to defeat me. Just keep on keeping on with one persistent foot right behind the other. Reminding us to push forward because we are worth it in every single way. That all we have is each other and that drive that every dog does eventually have its day.