This man hates me in every possible way and it is more than obvious. Every time he awoke last night he needed me to wake as well just so I could hear what it is he had to say. His newest point of contention a see thru shirt I wore in my reels. This gives him an opportunity to call me a fat, lazy, slut. Doing what is necessary to gain followers and attention I wonder if he will ever believe that I don’t give a f*ck.
This is my body and this world has no problem trying to confuse what it is we are allowed to do. A man can walk around topless. A being who doesn’t identify as any which way can walk around topless so why is it that I HAVE to wear a bra underneath my shirt? Because it’s better for my back and my muscles too or does the idea that somebody has breast fed from them make you very uncomfortable too?
This man hates me and I need to get away. I was hoping life would be a little different for me but it is hard not to feel betrayed. It is hard for me to feel safe around anybody after all the damage this man has done. He thinks it is funny to try and break me and drive me into a simmering rage. What women wants to hear over and over again how fat and lazy they are for their failing health and the fact they can not breathe. He thinks that what has plagued me for 3 decades should go away instantly and it doesn’t happen just like that.
I remember when I first met him I was trying my best. I was going to school full time and even working trying to cook him dinners that would make him amorous and put him the mood. All the food I would cook for him would end up in the bin so tell me what you would do? Eventually I had had enough of eating meat so that was another thing that was irritating to him. How our dinners would be so much easier if only I wasn’t the one who was always being so difficult.
Everything I try to do it is almost an instant failure. I stopped asking the husband for anything because he is always looking at me for an explanation. Why do you need this. Why are you so good for nothing would it kill you to clean a little? He still doesn’t get it as a look around and see his clothes all over the floor. The fact that he smokes all the time when he is around is a little more than I think I can handle.
I know what I did to have to live this way but in my heart I keep hoping and wishing that maybe one day soon it will eventually go away. With one foot in the grave I can’t help but keep looking back. I wish that I could have a little bit of faith of the future that is coming for me but I am tired and my fingertips are beginning to bleed.
I am exhausted. It sucks being baited and taunted every single day. I try to do what makes him happy but his happiness is always on the run and has made it far away. Being called fat or being degraded for how I look is that one thing in my life that can always bring me to my knees. In a world where all I wanted was to be loved and feel protected I wonder why it is I find myself not being able to breathe.
Everybody wants something as they hope for the best. I just want somebody to grow old with and share my story too with all the time I have left. Maybe there isn’t much time for me and I will never know peace or happiness in my heart. All I hear echoing in my brain is all his taunting and derogatory statement about my tits. Yes that is my husband and all he wants me to do is go away. I have never experienced a life that has so much towards me or a man that is insisting of carrying so much rage.
This is how my day normally ends with me trying to find the courage to find a way to start. The venom that escapes from his lips on the regular is enough to break my heart. I am in limbo waiting for a sign to determine what it is I should do. Do I leave and begin my life again in a life of squalor and leave behind everything I had a hand in what was being built.
Most of us are content never living up to our potential because we are being dragged down by an unsympathetic partner and mate. I think this is why I never hung around with one for to long. They are more content seeing what is they can finally take. Exhausting isn’t it? Living in the shadows of somebody else. Trying to get the one up on just anybody instead of trying to get the best and most out of yourself. Blame everybody else because it is easy to do instead of taking a good, hard look at everything you have done and try to see if there is something more that you can do.
Try your best to do what makes you happy and stop worrying about everybody else. There is a chance that they will turn their backs when they get sick of waiting instead of cheering you on to be the best that you can be. Those people are alarming and annoying and you should keep them at the furthest distance you can see. I know it is a lot easier said then done and a lot easier if it were me.
I sure do appreciate all the love and support from all of you. You give me hope that I am worthy of another day.
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