It took dying for me to appreciate life. Well appreciate all the sh*t that was constantly getting flung at me. From as early as I can remember life was meant to be incredibly painful and no amount of magic or glitter could ever end up changing those facts.
I was 7 when we got our beautiful white puppy. To be honest though, I can’t even remember her name. What I think happened to her must have been parvo because all I remember is that evening as my Uncles gathered around her as she was shivering and foaming outside in the rain. There might have been others there. Walter the pig man for sure. We called him the pig man because he was the one who executed our pigs with one simple bullet right to the brain.
Pigs are the worst animal to have to execute. It’s the squeals that the make as they leave this Earth. There was one time Walter came at the end of the season with nothing but his big ol farm truck and shot gun. That’s who we were. Just livers off the land. Those piglets led a great life till they found themselves on our supper table.
The decision was made to go into the night and relieve our sweet puppy of her never ending pain. She was the reason I wanted to be a vet was so that I could save everybody. At 7 you still have no idea what the after life could actually mean.
Of course we lost several pets living on the farm along side a highway. Cats were very common and of course the traffic did end up taking some of our dogs. That’s the price we all pay for having freedom in our life. The problem with living freely is you still have to sustain the laws of nature.
Friends never died. Nobody close that is. There was the time y Grandma was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I was inconsolable, unsure of what to do. I would have been 10 when my mother said to me that my Grandmother was sick. I pretty much went off the deep end. I am pretty sure that is when my wild streak began and started.
Watching her go through rounds of chemotherapy in the 1990’s was the most surreal thing. I wasn’t ready to lose my Grandma as it was I barely got a chance to see her. Thinking back on it all no wonder why I started collecting cats. We both have an infinite love for the feline how I wish she was around to meet every one.
Seeing her in the hospital so delusional just sent me over the edge. The next year I started smoking and fell into a bad crowd just to prove it. I never wanted to be who I was but life to me made no sense. All I wanted was to feel something real that time could never take away from me in the end. The stress of not knowing of what was happening or where she could end up was too much for my little brain. I know it sounds like excuses but my tears I can no longer contain.
I don’t want to blame anybody for anything or regret the life that I have lived. My life has brought me to where I am now and for me there is a lot in between that needs to be said. Maybe I made a deal with the devil so that my Grandma would live? Who knows what is actually possible when we have those thoughts and if there is somebody waiting in the shadows listening in.
That makes more sense now that I think about it that I would sacrifice my own life for somebody I loved. It wasn’t enough for them to take my life but just enough to make it uncomfortable and appease the devil inside of me who was hoping to win. You know those scales of good and bad? Which one do you favour? We all have a side that keeps us getting up in the morning. At the time it was evil in my heart that was always coming out on top. I had to favour the scales in that direction because in dire times they answered my prayers.
Well it seemed like they did. Who knows what could have happened if I just lived my life right. If I gave in to all my senses and succumbed to the direction that the Universe had in mind. In the end it all washes out the same no matter how hard it is we try. We only make it easier for the evil to win when the rest of world begins to subside.
Maybe I am a wee bit deranged or just maybe it all has began to make sense. When I dot the i’s and connect the t’s I can see all the ways that life was promised to me. It didn’t make sense till I was called up above. I see who is really there for me and who will always be so I don’t have time for any jibberish or for others discontent.
It took dying to see where I was going and who I was becoming and I feared for my own existence and that of my son. If I kept on accepting piss poor behaviour and letting them slide for the devil that they have become then I am truly no better off. There are those that are just rampant with evil and it is truly for the best if you just let them go and be gone.
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