To My Angels

I wonder what one would do differently if what they knew and were most familiar with suddenly began to change. Everything that you are accustomed to would seep through every crevice and just slowly melt away. I have been exposed to this feeling and it is something inside of you that will never go away.

There are people that should be here with me if only I reached for their outstretched hand. I think this is why I live my life so differently to try and chase away any feelings of guilt that I harbour and will forever have. I mean 10:30 are you serious? How is it possible you took your lasts breath at 1? I will forever feel sick for how I treated you in the last moments of your life when you came to meet your maker as you come upon your end.

I think it is hard for anybody to understand or try to believe how my life took a turn and I ended up here today. I paid my dues working 3 dead end jobs with nobody in this world who I could tell my secrets too. Sure childhood friends would check in from time to time but those who were closest to me in life are now seemingly long gone. Knowing what happens when others try to get close I keep everybody at arm’s length as I prepare to run away.

If I am hated I wonder what it would feel like to be loved. Is this something that I will ever be privy to or will I always be made out to be the monster in the end? I just speak my truth and believe nobody’s lies. If you hurt me one in this existence don’t expect a new spot on my timeline. I couldn’t be bothered for another bout in the ring. I barely survived the last time you tried to knock me out so let me put a stop to you before you even begin.

There are those that want attention without putting in any of the work. They want what is going to be known as the easiest all showing a little bit of skin. I can’t fault the attraction to the human body because this has been a tale as old as time. Look at the Roman statues standing so beautiful erect and tall. This is how they froze the beauty of the human body so why should I be ashamed of appreciating mine?

Don’t you want to appreciate the form of the human body before it is taken away? The youth, the softness that comes before human kindness and nature begin to take it all away. Nothing lasts forever and who knows how we will end up. There are those that are locked away and soon forgotten in their ripe and maturing age. I couldn’t imagine spending my last days and years alone but that is what happens when somebody deems you an inconvenience of becoming too old.

Social media gives a fake sense of security that maybe we are fitting in. It seems surreal when it is happening but I can’t tell you where it may end just like you can’t me when your paranoia actually began. It happened so quick. One day you were on top of the world then all of a sudden a friend you thought you could trust just as quickly turns their back. Who they are defending is some anonymous figure that they wouldn’t be able to pick out from a line-up even though they insist that they can.

On a side note I think it is funny when those that have caused you immense turmoil and grief try to come back into your life. What are you thinking when you made that phone call? Is there something really happening or are you just trying to cause strife? Life could have been simple until you went ahead and flapped your gums. Maybe you aren’t guilty of saying anything in my incredible anguish and time of need you just turned and started to run.

We are all at each other’s fingertips but only some warrant an immediate reply. It’s like I know that you check on every message so why is it mine that are always seeming to be in the way without me having any idea why? You say you want to be my friend but you have no idea what that even means. There needs to be a reciprocation of feelings and emotions because a relationship couldn’t exist in any other way so why am I the bad guy for getting sick of it all and wanting to leave.

So to my angels and my guardians who sacrificed their life so that I can be here I feel you and I appreciate you for all that you have done. I know that watching me live my life couldn’t have been easy as I ignored all the signs and began my life on the run. Of course you couldn’t stop me from what I was destined to do but the pain became almost unbearable so I found comfort in all that was you.

Being alone feels better because I could no longer let any other being down. Of course I have my family that you deemed me lucky enough to be a part of even though there are the days when I feel broken and inconsolable. It is hard not to remember who I once was with the people I used to love. I am sorry that I didn’t recognize your pain and your sadness before it was too late to have anything done. There are images in my mind that will just never go away. They are of the times when you were most happy in a time that is frozen and where you will always reside and stay.

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