I know I am going to fail at some point today but the person that I let down the most is always going to be me. Is it pure laziness that keeps me here or am I try to find a common ground that will make it a bit easier for me to breathe.
There is a weight that looms over me constantly reminding me how fast we are all running out of time. I remember at 30 wishing I wasn’t so wasteful with my years and now at 40 I fear that I might start feeling something kind of like the same. The feeling of failure like you aren’t living up to your potential and maybe it might be better if you just fade away. I never meant to annoy or hurt anybody but there is something that had happened inside of my brain.
The meaningless day to day tasks are always at the wayside to me because I know that they will get done when there is a little bit of time. Why would I ignore what is right in front of me trying to live in their own image if I ignore the fact that they want to get to know me. Maybe it isn’t so much that they care about the broken little girl inside but their is no denying the way their face and heart lights up when they see me.
My heart sinks every time that I feel like I have failed my family because I have put the emotional needs of my son ahead of my own. There is always this underwritten vile that is hanging in the rafters waiting ominously to take away my smile. That is what happens every time that my husband gets home. At times I think I am going crazy but his hate for me is growing so hard to ignore.
I will make the wrong choice over and over again and will tend to my own mental health when ever I get a second to myself to breathe. When I make that choice that is when the tirade comes in. Shouldn’t I get off my fat *ss and clean instead of taking a moment to try and feel internally serene. There are times when I believe it is all me or that it is in my head but then I recognize the words coming back at me and when he is calm it is everything that I have said.
Like when I ask him why he is so mean or why every moment is about him. All I asked was for 10 minutes just to feel alive instead of being sucked under into this dark hole. I feel isolated from the world and I fear for what is to come. I don’t think I can handle being alone for the 8 hours that will come when my son is off to school. First I will declutter and organize as that is something that I have always wanted to have done. It has been impossible with the pets that are always around us because somebody always needs loving, attention or food.
What is going to happen when I have all this free time. Will I become successful enough that I will gather up all my courage to stand on my own two feet. At the time all I wanted was my happy, loving family but it seems maybe COVID took that all away. We don’t even know how to be social anymore even I find that I have forgotten how to play.
I think my husband is embarrassed of the attention that I get. It’s not like I believe that I am anybody I just like to smile and feel as good as I should. It is almost a phenomenon these days and I understand. Living is hard so why bring anymore negative attention that could come your way just by deciding to dress up and look a certain way. I wonder if they truly believe that I cant see their obnoxious sneers and their wild side eyes. I am sorry if I am offensive to you but if I die in this moment I want to remember myself as a lady who was personified in her lady like image instead of looking like an ogre who just rolled out of bed. I am not saying that anybody dresses as such but that is how I feel when I just put on a sweat suit and leave my hair in a braid.
I have always maintained that I was born to stand out and I was also born with this drive to find the smile that they insisted on taking off my face. I don’t want to blame the Universe because it may have been my betrayal in her. Why give somebody the gifts they crave when they don’t believe in the inevitable and that life could actually feel good. I know that was me. Always spitting in her face. Instead of being thankful for the little bit of grace she gave me I throw a Molotov cocktail and lit up the place.
You know what I am saying. At least I think you know what I mean. I am exhausted from the sheer uphill battle of trying to find some kind of love that doesn’t exist in this place. I have watched that movie you know the one. The one that highlights the way to tell if your love interest is amorous towards you and let me tell you my husband could have played the main character in it. Always on edge I am scared to set him off. I plan my day around the mines that he has planted and pray I have time to disarm them before they all go off.
Check out my Day on the Go as I get ready to go out for the day and I take you along as well too!