Eat sh*t you dumb c*nt are the loving words spoken by my husband after I spent my whole day trying to tend to all the clutter that is this house; and trust me, with all the life that is living in here is a seemingly impossible task to actually have to get done.
I could not believe it as he gave me the double finger salute as he stormed out of the house. It truly seems that everything has to be his way or the highway and in failure to conform to his wishes then get prepared for him to lower the boom. He will tell me in all the ways that it is me. Picking apart the one or two things I have yet to get to in this house. See what he does not understand is you can spend all your time working on organizing this house then somebody else will come behind you and begin to mess it all up.
I felt the tears fill my eyes as I realized this man does not like a thing about me. I promise you I gutted our room, Slades Room, the rec room and even the precarious closet that I have downstairs. You see a few items have gone missing . A rainbow terp slerper marble, our house phone and a glass pendant that was made from a glass blower. Of course I remember having them but now that he wants to find them they are nowhere to be found.
I have to listen to how I am a fat slug who just sits there, nevermind the sheer exhaustion from all the work that I had done that day. Determined to prove to him that I wasn’t just a selfish failure I sweated my *ss off trying to up turn this house to no avail. I would cry through my tears and curse my angels for making me go through this because no matter what happens it is going to be attack on my good name. Are you just stupid or too dumb to even remember I think it is time you stop smoking so much weed.
I smoke so much to drive the pain away. I cant believe the person that I have become. I wanted to be happy and above all loved but all I get is ridiculed as I watch my partners eyes roll back in his head and not in the good way. I beg him to allow me to move on so we can stop showing our son what it looks like when you act poorly behaved.
Everything I do he is going to insult and I don’t no how much longer I can even go on living this way. I am rejected in life by a man who is supposed to love me. How am I supposed to believe that any good in this life will ever come my way. I focus on the sorrow and what other people have lost and they found a way to survive. I want to show my son what it means to be a strong women but I am terrified of what will happen if I fail. I guess I am already a failure in this existence when I gave up my freedom to let another being treat me this way.
So know here it is day two of the complete house overall and I am still yet to find the items that will make my husband stop tormenting me. The longer I comb over the only areas of the house that I use the more likely it is that whomever had lost these items in all actuality isn’t me. I just want it to be over so I can get on with my life. I know his anger wont stop until these items are found and its killing me on the inside to not even wash up or even change my clothes.
If I do any of those things its because all I am is incredibly selfish and I don’t want anybody to look down at me because of that. I am anything but selfish as I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have had my heart cut open while all those loitering around me can finally see. See my demise like they have always wanted to do. I can tell you the end is coming but surely you can too.
I feel isolated from the world and I am anxious over my lack of control. My emotions are running fast on over drive, oh how nice it would be to finally be over the hill. Away from others expectations as I become too old to barely move. I will watch as they pick over my remaining things like vultures only keeping those things that are worth something or that will make their heart sing. Isn’t that the tragic ending to a life lived well. All the things you treasured so dear will end up in the rubbish bin with only your anguished echo’s to be reverberated over every hill.
I hate myself for being alone but I am too scared to get close to anybody. What if they leave me like they all end up doing. Will I be able to recover from their departure this time too. I don’t think I can as I am already feeling deranged. All the things I got joy or happiness from I am being told is too selfish to keep on doing the same.
I hate myself for being her and putting up with this situation. To be honest I am too scared to start again from nothing because that time nearly cost me my life too. I became too depressed with my inability to connect. How can I trust that somebody will have honourable intentions when it is has been proven to me in all the ways that humans are just the opposite. If you want loyalty get a pet. They depend on you to live. They appreciate your kindness instilling the day to day commodities instead of taking for granted everything you do and did.
I guess I have nobody else to blame but me, myself and I. I suppose that is the weight I am just meant to carry and I will do so until the day that I die.