Holding On

This is it. This hurts more than I thought buy the blackness in my heart is taking over and I am losing all control.

For two days I have been told how awful I am all because of my spiraling out of control mental health. All I wanted was to feel something but this I think I could have misses.

He wants me to sign over my parental rights because I am sad. The demons that came for me when I was a little girl are still waiting anxiously for me in the wings.

I called my mom today. Oh how I long to see her again. I am told if I take my son to see his Grandma I will be charged with kidnapping so I could never do that. He tells me if I even cross the provincial lines with him I will be charged and if I go alone he will get me with neglect and pursue full custody.

My heart screams as it shatters into pieces and I know it is a matter of time before I succumb to all this weight. Acting constantly to fool a cold hard world I wonder if I am actually going insane. I think I am. My environment made me this way. Imagine having no adult human to show love or to interact with on a day to day basis now tell me who do you think is going to go insane?

I had to take a break and rest my head because there was this overwhelming pressure that was threatening to over take my brain. I accomplished nothing yesterday short of finding that damn pendant I had dedicated my last two days to finding. I remember thinking and evening yelling to the husband that I would not stop until at least one of these damn missing things was found. I wasn’t delusional or a good for nothing stoner. I remember exactly the last time I took it off right before I stepped into the shower so where the hell did it go?

If I tell you where it was you might agree with me that I am getting played. Where I found it was in the driver’s side door of my husbands van where I had asked him to look a few hundred times before. He would always go outside and said he looked around but I swear as my Grandmother’s as my witness I found it right inside the driver’s door side pocket as soon as I opened that damn door.

I wanted to keep on looking for the phone so it would look like I had two smoking guns but the rage that bubbled up inside of me was something I just couldn’t forget and ignore. I ran into the house and in my best Samuel L voice I said Tik Tok Mother F*cker! I mean I have always wanted to speak like Samuel but no timing has ever been appropriate. Not saying that this timing was but I wanted to know that his game was up. That I was starting to see through all the games he was playing with me and I couldn’t believe that he had kept the pendant from me.

For the last two days all I wanted to do was make things right. I wanted to find the things that I had lost because according to him I smoked too much weed. I let my emotions run wild as my demons came out to play. I hated when he told me to stop living in the past. I could have spit on every single word that he had to say.

I can’t just forget the fact that I was raped at 13 and it affected my life. I didn’t have a normal upbringing after that. What happened to me during that time affected my ability to even make friends. My whole like could have been brighter, not that I hate how far that I have become but those events are what define and have made me into the woman that I have now become. If you can’t love that little girl and want to keep her from arm then I don’t know what to say to you but I know that in time I will have to move on.

I am hard to love I never exclaimed to be any different. What I wanted was a fair shot of being authentically me without being hog tied and made to feel every burn. What others kept saying about me was far from the truth but I was tired of wasting my breath on telling people what they could never feel or see.

If I forget that part of my life then I forget about my daughter. I can’t have that weight over my head nor can I push her to the wayside any longer. I don’t let what happened to us during a time when we were too young to understand haunt us just there are some days that are worse than others and in those days I prefer to stay well medicated. How does one forget what happened in their past short of having a concussion. What I think is important to note here is no matter how tragic the events were I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s not because of anything short of I truly love my son. Without everything that had happened back then I do not even know if I would be one with this world and truly where I am now isn’t entirely that bad. Well short of the name calling but according to him I start the whole thing by calling him names first. I wonder what those names would be?

Writing is my therapy as I hope to connect with others and make them understand. I wasn’t a bad wife or mother like some may or may not believe but a creature of habit and circumstance. For as long as I can remember I have always been just holding on. I wonder if I will ever have the courage and strength to finally be able to let go.

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