I hate that this is our story. I hate that my son died in utero triggering a series of seizures threatening to take me away into the night too. I hate that as a mother I failed to see just how unhealthy that I was internally that stemmed far further than when I used to smoke cigarettes. From as early as I can remember I was prone to losing blood. Starting in the beginning when I was only 13.

My son is a version of me that I tried so hard to protect. If I would have known that I was unable to carry a baby to full term I think I would have reconsidered that journey instead of being excited at the prospect of being a mother. I took all my hopes and dreams and forced it into this little boy and now I fear for what I have done to him when I was coming out of a place of love.

I remember losing my baby at 13. I remember that 80 year old man looking down at me asking the nurses if they thought I was waking up. He got mad at them thinking that they didn’t dose me properly but I was fighting to keep her in my own dang way. This wasn’t my decision even though I knew it was the right one. Could I hold her in my arms before she dies? and will I ever get the chance to see her again?

For as long as I can remember I have felt these emotions that not many people can or even want to talk about. I am devastated whenever a friend or being crosses over that it might take me my own lifetime to finally catch my own breath and breathe. I remember him asking me not to ask him what the sex of my child was. He told me that once the tool that he used to perform the operation was inserted it was so powerful it would rip her into smithereens. I know what he said but I knew she was a her and in my own mind and heart I will forever dream.

This is the moment in my life that I believe I should have went a different way. Or maybe I should have demanded to know the answers that would keep me in good health. There would have been a loss of blood at some point. I mean I remember trying out of for my beloved ball team a weak after and all the blood that came when I ran. I remember thinking my life was over as I succumbed to the darkness so I would never know the warmth of light again.

What I remember in my pregnancy with my son was feeling so happy. There were the spots of blood and the burning in my tummy that just wouldn’t go away. That was him telling me that there was something wrong here. He was barely alive the whole time that I carried him with me. I remember hoping and praying that I would feel his kick and flutters but during that time they never came. All that happened is that I wrapped my body in ice that day then waited for sleep to take me so that my headaches would go away.

When I opened my eyes I was back in the darkness looking for somebody, anybody to help me through this. I made it to the bathroom to turn on the light and then it happened I seized off the toilet and was falling to the ground. My husband caught us. He was home that night early from work. I am telling you our angels don’t always answer us but if it is before our time you best believe they will be accepting all of our calls.

This has been five years since this moment happened and I can’t tell you how scared I feel now even though it is now a lifetime away. When I see my child struggling with normal every day behaviour I wonder to myself why I was so selfish to bring a child into this world this way. I want it to be known how incredibly lovely he is. There is nobody more thoughtful or considerate and I can attest to that fact. Usually when he spiral it is because he wants the world to be fair and of course there are those times when he just simply doesn’t get is way.

Is this my fault like my husband always accuses me and would my son be better off if I just sign my rights away and walk away into the night. It took me three whole days to meet my little bean. I couldn’t believe how small he was and how scared one person inside could truly feel. I have been through a lot but nothing has ever felt like dying. It’s hard to keep on going when you know what’s waiting for you on the other side.

Nothing has ever felt like dying and in my case there wasn’t even any pain. It was so quick and so sudden I think it took 7 minutes before the ambulance even got me to the hospital. What brought me back was that beautiful little boy now I am going to spend my lifetime fighting with the outside world. I am scared that he is always going to see the world differently like me and that he won’t find acceptance in this reality until he gets entirely too old.

I wish I had enough sense to demand adequate attention therefor protecting my peace and health. The reason why I am unable to carry another baby is my low iron. The exact same reason that caused all my pregnancies to fail. The reason why this was different was become my lil boy wanted to live. He was all my prayers answered from the heavens so I owe it to him to always want to try and give. He deserves the best as he is the apple of my eye. I truly hope for the best for him. He is the reason that I am living and all I have to do before I die.