I can’t do this. How do I do this? All I wanted when I came back here to this existence was a chance to raise my son and watch him grow up happily.
What I got was so much pain like I have never felt before and believe me when I tell you I don’t think I can take much more.
Do you know how it feels when the love of your life turns into a murderer and through know fault of your own he gets forever locked away? I never wanted anybody to know who it was that I actually fell for but given everything that happened to me it makes sense that I didn’t end up with more.
When I found my husband on tinder he was probably just as broken up as me. His girlfriend was found unresponsive beside him and I would have to think that would be a heavier weight then anything I have ever come to feel.
Everybody knew that what we were doing was never going to end up with anything good. Well until our son was born two months premature then he became the center of our world.
It is like my husband is on Mars and I am stuck on Venus then our son is the center of our Earth that keeps us trying to be together. We acquired so many lost souls in our pets just like ours and we became an unconventional family that most would never consider to have in this world.
It’s like once you know what it feels like to be lost and abandoned you never want another living being to ever feel that way. I can’t help but want to shelter all that I know from the pain that I was forced to feel because there has to be something good intertwined with this world.
My heart is heavy because I blame myself for those that have died. Like if only if I were better in life instead of all those crocodile tears that I used to cry. I am terrified that all my sins and insecurities have now made their way down to my son. I know I am not a good person but I am set in my ways. Why would I want somebody who is going to tower their beliefs constantly above me instead of trying to understand where I am coming from or what I am trying to say.
Imagine a life where you are made to make others live in their best image with you being made to live with one foot in the grave. That is what it feels like when others just disregard your feelings with the most insecure of emotions. I mean if I tell you how I feel about something don’t you think that I will always feel about the same?
It doesn’t make sense to me those that are always out to hurt others along the way. Wouldn’t life be a little bit easier if we all took our time and began to focus on what it is that we were saying. I am not for everybody and I am not asking everybody to understand. What was taken from me when I was little was the inability to think like a woman and understand.
I was made to conform and told to not use my voice. I think that is why it gets so emotional for me when others insist on telling me that I have no choice. Oh you don’t like how it is that I spoke to you then kick rocks and blow bubbles and hit the highway. No you don’t understand it was just triggering to me. Please don’t tell me to leave and never come back. Please. I am sorry, it wasn’t me. It was my demons who are insisting on keeping any good away.
That is all I hear every night and it breaks my heart. All I wanted was a place where I can fit in now I see just how incredibly wrong I was in thinking like that. How dare anybody make anybody feel ashamed for the secrets they are forced to keep in their heart. I never wanted to feel this way but society made me and I can’t move past that dark, sinking feeling.
There are those so wrapped up in their self righteous entitlement that they hate getting called out when they are wrong. They will cite it as being abuse when they know that they are the ones who had started it all along. All I want to be is heard in a world that has always taken away my voice. I don’t know what else do do with my life. It is beginning to look like I may not have a choice.
We weren’t born to be just anybody we were born to honour our ancestors and live in their best image. They dreamed of the day when they would be able to give the world to their children and grand children and now here we are. No matter what happens we only have one chance at this so called life. I think that is why in my heart I remain so anxious because I truly know what happens when we don’t get it right.
I remember dying just like I remember being born. I am not sure of all the details that surround the two but I do know it happened and nobody mourned. Life as we knew it just kept going on. There was no sense of even trying to stop it unless in your heart you knew you just couldn’t go on.