On the Run

It’s 4 in the morning and once again I am talked down to by this man. Who in the right man wants to hurt their woman consistently in this way?

I have had the worst 4 days of my life. In a roller coaster ride with no seat belt and all he wants to do is make it so I no longer want to come up for air and breathe.

Once again he tells me to kill myself and the rest of the world a favour. There is no greater pain then hearing the two men in my life chant these words like I am nothing more than garbage in this world. I have slept for maybe two hours and I feel like my eyes are caving into my head. What did I do in this life to have a man like this or am I just not worthy enough to have anything good.

Over and over again he calls me a dumb c*nt. Letting me know that he will spend the rest of his days making it so that his son will repeat the same. This is the life that greets me consistently then I get called lazy for not wanting to clean.

He tells me that I am a worthless mother for letting my son see me cry but what else am I supposed to do when I have nobody around me who wants to see anything good happen to me? Everyday it is always about how lazy I am as a mother but I promise you it is like my brain and heart are getting ready to seize.

I can’t live this way. I am hard wired to be loved. It is all that I have ever wanted in life. It is the reason why I put up with so much abuse. He has taken away everything from me. Including my sale. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing all the words that he has said.

I feel trapped here and I just long to get out. If I could wrap my arms around somebody who at least cared about me I think it might help give me strength. As it stands there is nobody around who wants to comfort me as my husband made damn sure of that.

I can’t look at his face without feeling so much pain. I can’t help but cringe a little every time he says my name. I know how much he hates me its very clear by the words that he says. Am I really a coward for not being able to kill myself? I am not ready to want to have to leave this world.

I still dream of a world where I might be able to be happy and if the Universe is willing a little love sprinkled right in. Every insult my husband insists on saying towards me is just another reason to watch my heart bleed. I can no longer look past all the words that he has said and I don’t even know where to begin looking for a little salvation.

This man couldn’t be nice to me to save his own son. He would rather say all these words to get him to hate me then be the bigger man and shut his face. I have been trying so hard to not even say anything but then it is only him getting to say his peace and rage.

I am scared for my own existence but I am hated everywhere instead of loved. I cling to my pets as the lifeline to save me because everybody else is working on stringing me from the rafters just to watch my body hang.

I don’t understand why anybody would want to do this to anybody that they love. I think that is why it is easy for me to say that love never entered our room or even found a place. I was trapped before I realized all he did was lie then I got talked down and made to feel like I was only 6 inches tall.

I wish I could say that his venom stopped at just me. His anger when it runs it overflows and it threatens to take the wind from any place. When he is mean he is like no other and I always try to tell him he doesn’t deserve his family or even me. I am trapped almost cemented now in one spot. With my son’s diagnosis I have lost all control.

What am I supposed to do because my son needs consistency but he also is worthy of a family filled with love and so much more. I can’t stand to listen to one more insult come from this man’s lips but I know as soon as he awakens there is sure to be even more.

I know that I am hated because there is no way that this is loved. I am cursed from all the decisions that mislead me to this time that I find myself in and I can’t take much more. I fear for my future and the lack of a life that I may have. How do I get away from his evil clutches without disrupting this family any more than I have to.

After his tirade he just goes back to sleep leaving me breathless and unable to catch my breathe and dream. Me and my son are both having nightmares about our existence as we are forced to live in a place where evil reins supreme.

This man is not my future and this I already know. I think that is what adds to all this tension because right now I don’t have anywhere to go. I have to stay close for the sake of my son. He just got approved for government funding which allows his classroom to hire a teachers aide. Basically I have to spend this time getting all my ducks in a row so I can leave this place behind and finally tell this man goodbye.

I never wanted to damage my son but what I am allowing for his father to do to us and him is more than I have ever wished or even wanted to have to wade through. I am not a dumb c*nt who is deserving to die. I don’t want to do the world a favour and let life slip me by. To hear these words that are said in front of my son makes me want to leave forever, always staying on the run.

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