Every day is becoming pretty much the same. No sooner do I get a little bit of joy then the husband comes and stomps it out making me feel incredibly depraved. I try to keep a brave face for my son but it so exhausting. I got to lie down for not even a minute when he exclaimed to my son that I was lazy and had no interest in being his mom.
How can anybody live this way? It is enough to make anybody feel insane. I fear for the moments that we are in the same room because I have no idea what it is this time he just may say. He makes front of my tears all the time making me feel like I am less of a woman for feeling this way. There is no limits to where his hatred may take us as he goes through any secret I have shared with him to get me to feel rage.
His favourite insult of all time is how my family never comes around me and I have no friends. Why would I keep anybody around me who just check in when they have time, when they feel like or when there is nothing else to do. I am sorry but I want to believe that my essence is more valuable than diluting with just anybody that will give me attention, in my mind that just won’t do.
I know that he is trying to break me by all the words that come out of his mouth and the things that he says. He says that I waste too much time making videos showing off my tits then tending to the house and watching my son play. That is all I do from the minute he is awake short of an hour or two when you decide to take him away. You take him to an accessory to your own insecurities and lack of abilities because he is the most successful thing in your life that you probably ever will do. So you need him to hate me. You thrive on just that fact. When my son is getting frustrated and lashing out at me it is your words coming at me and not his.
Today he will call me a dumb c*nt if I don`t do what he wants me to do. He will make me feel lower than dirt for not helping even though it is all that I ever do. He won`t stop there if he doesn`t get his way. I will be called stupid, lazy, good for nothing and anything else that comes to his mind that he thinks will cut through.
He will talk about my Dad and his misplaced hate. I called it misplaced because he too had to have everything his way. If you didn`t conform to his imaginary standards than it was get out of his way. All of his children became collateral damage and only he knows why or what it was we all did say. It`s not just me that is hated because he has no acknowledgment of anybody who carries his blood. Not his parents, his brothers and sisters, not anybody so why do I have to feel bad for him acting a little bit insane? That is what happens when you turn on your roots for no good reason. I mean his brothers and sisters didn’t do a dang thing. In fact they still try and believe in his good name. Not me. I read somewhere as a daughter I forgive you as a mother though, I never can. I couldn’t imagine for any reason turning on my children even if I left my husband for another in this life. And believe me one day I will. It is just not the right time in this moment so I try my best to just lay still. It’s hard for me though because I was born to stand out. Dying was such a gift to me. It gave me clarity in my life where I used to have doubt.
When you get blessed with the gift to find out where you are going it is just hard to believe in anything else. There are those that I come across in this existence that I know I want to keep around until the next life. Those beings are like methamphetamines’, like speed for your soul and brain. Once you get exposed those to those light forces if you don’t prepare yourself your energy might just drive you insane. You will begin to see fault in everything that they do so you will push them away. You will say what is most evil about yourself so that you can bring them down to your level and have your evil way. Take my husband. The vile that comes out of his mouth is worse than my worst enemy. He will talk about how I jiggle my tits and flaunt my *ss and fail to see the message that I am trying to portray.
We are more than just bodies we are celestial light. If I have created a reel or video it is because I am trying to capture an essence to reflect back on that will keep me warm in the middle of the night. Sometimes I will remember the presence or the feel of a past lover, sometimes it is a childhood friend who for whatever reason in this timeline is no longer. All I try to do is highlight a memory that has come to pass, so that if something ever happens to me my son will have these images and his memories of me will forever last. I don’t want him to feel ashamed for who he is or how it is he decides to love. I don’t want anybody to make him feel like a cheapened prostitute or whore when there is no reason to EVER and I mean EVER have anybody exposed to this kind of emotion. Even if you sell your body for sex or money this is YOUR life and YOUR story and we should love our son enough to respect ALL of his choices.
I know wait a minute HOLD BACK!! All I am saying is there is a reason or message to what it is I am trying to do or say. What I recommend is watching one of my reels on Instagram (@missrubysweetcheeks). Go over to YouTube and listen to the song I had chosen. Sometimes it is a remix that I use but you will know when you go on and take a listen. Then go back to the reel and watch it again. I just let you take a glimpse into my soul so that you can see where there is joy there is also pain. I have found a way for the two to co-exist that is what I am trying to say. All I am trying to do is guide you and help you because in life sometimes it is as easy as other people say.
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