In Family Times

I think we live in a time where family means everything or it means nothing. We can’t expect others to live up to our standards as manners and decorum us something that is second rate. Who care if you are polite or not if you get a million of likes. Do what you can to get the most attention before the rest of the world finally begins to wake.

I know that feeling. That suffocating feeling when you try the best that you can do but it’s never going to be good enough. Some days it is all you can do to hold your breath and hope the worst of them finally goes away. Maybe they do or maybe they don’t but in my heart I will never be the same.

I died. So what. We all do but only I know what happens to us when we get to the other side. Not everybody is the same when our thoughts escape or brain or those we once loved can be found around our grave.

I do remember being younger. Surrounded by friends and family and those who remembered my name. They used to love me until I became too broken and damaged then the way they loved me could never be the same.

I was everybody’s worst fear of what could actually happen when the innocent among us loses their way. My stomach is still in knots from all the abuse that I was forced to endure when I was only 13. Not by my parents or any of their friends. I was hurt by a 16 year old boy who promised to love me till the end. It wasn’t that lie that got to me it was what he did to me every day when all I was trying to do was have a friend. I wasn’t allowed to have anybody. If I did that is when the violence started and there would be no end.

That weight weighs heavy on my heart in ways that many could ever understand. If only I had the strength to tell somebody I don’t think a life would have been lost in the way that it did. In actuality several lives were lost the day my boyfriend raped me in my room while my parents were in the shower. I didn’t want to scream for anybody to hear me I just cried and shed one single tear. I remember that moment has he held his arms above my head. All I wanted was somebody to confide my deepest, darkest fears too and what I got was a living nightmare instead.

What a twisted blessing that night ended up being. I think there would have been a day when he would have came to kill me. He tried too. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was with two friends walking downtown Trail. K down the one street that everybody knew by name. When he saw me he started running for me calling out my name is what tipped my friends off. Seeing his enraged face the threw me into a parked car with the engine on and demanded that whomever they were would drive me up to school.

Isn’t that funny? I can remember these details so vividly complete with the loafers on his feet and the color of the flannel that was on his shirt. (Red, white and grey in case you were wondering. Not that it matters to anybody but it will forever be engrained upon my brain. My Auntie always seems dumbfounded when I can recall with clear imagery what exactly happened to me but if I tell you any differently then the outcome of what happened to me would never be the same.

I want family to mean everything but if you look around me I appear to have nothing. Just to clarify I have a mother but I don’t speak to many others. My life demands are too busy for me to just sit around idle. I would like to think that I have a husband that will offer some support and guidance but if I have learned anything it is not to ask for anything. Why anger the bear if you don’t have to when it is easier for him to keep on hibernating inside his cave. I learned that. Well I am struggling to learn that. After struggling for14 hours with a son who vibrates differently thought it would be ok if I asked that man for help. Right in front of my son I was told to f*ck off and you couldn’t but notice all the happy that drained from my face.

Isn’t that the irony? Those that want a happy life can’t seem to reel one in no matter how hard it is they try and others will be born with a silver spoon in their mouths and they will have no idea why. Not that they need to worry because everything they could possibly dream of would seemingly be right there. I think that is why I keep on doing what I do with little or no thought that it couldn’t be everything possible that I ever did dream without a wayward thought or care.

I do live a pretty mundane life with a few interjections of what I believe is what I do to live my life a little differently. Take my Youtube channel for example (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT44prvb_o835cQOG327hbQ) or my blog (www.rubyohsosweet.com) all designed to express my opinions and encouraging others to do so the same I hope we can do so by living in our best image. Whatever that maybe or look like I want the world to know that I am waiting for the brave among us that are hoping to one day do the same.

I think what people fail to understand is that we are all born with the same insecurities and it would be helpful if one day that we weren’t made to feel that way. The feeling I am talking about is that we may never be good enough but as long as we are all living we are more than good enough in each others eyes.

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