Innocence Lost

Throughout my day I am always shocked by some of the feedback I get from the days that I share with you. I don`t share anything that I think may fall short of inspiring, I want others to know that it is possible to pick yourself up again and get clean. Sure, it might seem like I long, backwards walk up the Great Wall of China with only a $30 bowl of noodles available to sustain your brain, but you forgot your wallet back down at the hotel; I think this is where I would have to up my level and mannerisms of how it is that I am able to complain. With something so simple as getting a little bit of hangry will be the one thing that will remove all the pieces of magic from every single which way. Forget this wall was built 1000 of years ago for other beings to make their yearly pilgrimage now we are wondering what it is all for and why it is that even when we walk around the masses we feel entirely alone.

When I was a little girl all I ever wanted was all the things that were promised to me. I life of grand pleasure tending to the animals and vegetables, basically overseeing the whole farm. There is nothing more freeing than a wide-open space that your family had the pleasure of tending to after coming to this country all those years ago. There is a deep-rooted pleasure that overwhelms you when you realize that your family have been the only living beings to get a chance to tend to the soil. The one single fact should serve as your single reminder that no matter how hard it is we try we will always have to leave this reality seemingly all alone. Well unless an accident takes you and yours in a great tragedy then you will have each other to comfort when you are faced with the cold, long nights alone.

So, I share my truth because that is all that was given to me when I decided to enter this reality. I was made to believe that the truth will set you free as long as you are accepting of it and not changing facts so that you appear to be in a better light. Life can be dangerous and oh so tempting when others relinquish themselves from the shadows as they try to get your attention and take control. That is what happened to me in my youth. A man who promised to protect me from all the bullying and abuse became my biggest tormentor of them all but what can I do. If I didn`t let him take out his rage and frustration out on me there was no telling what he may just do. I watched him throw his 3-year-old sister through a wall. What chance in this lifetime did I have that he wouldn`t turn on me? And he did. Violently over our 1.5-year relationship. In my mind it was never anything that warranted telling my parents or getting out of the relationship. I mean the abuse was never that extreme. Just bite marks underneath my clothes where his teeth would always break the skin. Then there were the cigarettes he would put out on me just so he could see how I would react when he would inflict any sort of pain on me.

Everybody will tell you not to live in the past, but I can’t believe that what happened to us wouldn’t inspire something. Then you have to take it all into prospective and ask yourself how it is possible for us to feel something for every single, living being because there is a lot of us. That would have to lead to the answer to the question that maybe all lives couldn’t possibly equal the same. If that was true then we would have to focus on the energy in the places on where we can, instead of stretching ourselves so thin we are hardly any kind of human at all.

I think it is a matter of desensitization that makes us live so mundane. If only we can blend in and feel something, fitting in would satisfy something in the end if we all just look and behave the same. Wars wouldn’t be fought, and our children wouldn’t need to die. There is just this overwhelming sensation that overtakes me any time I hear of a young girl who may have suffered something the same. The tragedy is that their story is known, and it needs to be that way in order for their story to get any airtime and to be played. Somewhere society has failed in all the wrong ways. I can’t help but to flash to the parties I attended in high school and how my story could have been something similar or even something that was the same.

We need to speak out of these horrors in order to educate others how to better make decisions that will forever impact their lives. Of course, I don’t think I would change the fact that I attended high school parties or that I will forbid my son from doing the same. It is a rite of passage that we all go through. For some reason or another they always take the innocent that walk among us to serve as a beacon so that the light can always shine thru. It has to be somebody that was adored by many before alcohol struck and took their innocence away. Isn’t that something short of a blessing that our angels could not remember what the devils who walk around us could possibly do.

Happiness is something I work daily towards, but I will never forget the horrors that were bestowed upon me in order for me to behave in such a way. I wouldn’t be who I am today if all those bad things didn’t happen so that is my one little bit of sunshine and positive that I like to take a wake. I like to shine like a beacon of hope even though there is a lot of pain. Like the lighthouse that serves the shore I want to remind others that it is ok to one day make your way back home. That home is the peace that you find inside yourself that nobody can take away. It comes from the warmth of our angel’s energy that no demon will ever have a chance of ever taking away.

There is a reason why we are still here when there are others that can no longer be. I miss the smiles of those that were always here to cheer for me, now I have to find a way to honour them, and I do so in the way I chose to live each day. Sure, it is hard to smile through the darkness when all you see is gloom. It took a lot of practice and constant reminder that I don’t need to feed into the negative energy that may come for me as I continue on with my day as I move from room to room. There will always be those that have been sent to defeat us because if you remember we have always been told the devil works in such a way. We can’t deny the fact that there is good and bad, a lot of innocent lives get lost that way.

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