Not Without My Son

What so many people fail to understand or fall short of understanding is there isn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for my son. I think it helps knowing some truly great women who suffer deeply because they were ripped away from their children far too soon. With no reason at all some lives are just severed short. I think that is why, now, when it comes to my son, I can’t help but think way differently and it is causing a huge riff to grow between my husband and me.

Every day is the same battle. If I take the time to post a 15 second video, I am the worst mother of the year. Don’t take into consideration how difficult or how long that video came to be. Truthfully you will call it a waste of time, but it is done in between moments with my son. I don’t understand what is up with all the constant criticism unless you truthfully hate me because that is how I am starting to feel.

It’s like clockwork. Every day when he comes home it will be why didn’t you clean even though I cleaned up his mess from the night before. There are so many lives that live here that it is impossible to think that they are all content and happy all at once. There is the letting of the dogs out, which has to happen one by one, in between the shrieks and screams of my son. There are a million different drinks of orange juice, water and milk because all he wants is a little bit then there are the horrors that come with buttering his toast who knew a 4-year-old could be so eccentric.

The dishes get done and let me tell you there is a lot. What needs to get down more are the floors and I am talking with more than just a broom there needs to be a mop. I can see all the things that need to get done if there was only time. I get to what is important in life knowing that I will get to the cleaning as soon as I can. It always gets done in its entirety at least once a week. I would never live in filth like you exclaim so can you please refrain from smoking inside the house.

Like if I wanted to pick you a part, I am sure that I could. Why start in on somebody who is just doing the best that they can like you always do and always would. Its exhausting being able to predict the words that are coming out of your mouth. I even say to our son after having a real good day that it is time to get serious and it is time that we start to clean. He helps me and dances around but no matter what it that we try to do there is always something else that can be found.

Who wants to live that way always walking on eggshells. I would almost have to amount it being my own personal hell. Every time there is a fight, he tells me to walk away. Sign over the rights to our son like he means nothing at all. He makes me so mad when he is so insensitive like that. I don’t want my son to grow up being a man like that. He is a good Father in the sense that he loves spending time with his son but not when I am around, they are always going out. I am not allowed on these father/son excursions, and I am ok with that. They do need their time to bond, and I can get some cleaning done like mopping the floors while everybody is gone so that they don’t fall.

My son is my light and I love seeing who he is becoming. That can only be discovered while spending any kind of time with him and let me tell you he is a beacon that just all that is good right in. Sure, he is a bundle of emotions but who can fault him for that? He has only been alive in this world over the last 5 years and a lot has happened since that fact. We have moved houses and got some new pets. We have spent some time with family and then there were others that we have been trying tirelessly to forget. For all rights and purposes, he is the joy in my life. I understand now what happens to those moms who lose their light before they even had a chance to spread their wings and truly fly. I think that is where my thoughts go when times are tough when it is only just him and me.

He is going to have a melt down and when it happens, I just look into his eyes. I try to touch his shoulder or leg and let him know that everything is going to be ok. That whatever he is thinking in his head is only just a phase. In order for me to truly understand he needs to tell me what he is thinking and if he can’t find the words than that is entirely ok. When this moment happens, it is hard, and I get all choked up inside. It’s not easy when my husband is here, and you can see how much he just seethes with rage. He lets us know that he is about to explode, which terrifies my son because remember he is only 4 years old. I have to take the blame because I just want all the emotions to subside and go away. Not that anybody’s feelings don’t matter it’s just it is hard for my son to find his voice and the right words to say.

I am exhausted and heartbroken and even I know when a relationship is done. I just find it hard, and I am struggling because I am not going anywhere without my son.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. CristinaJart says:

    Loved reading this one.


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