Life Confused

The problem with life is it will always be something that we take advantage of up until the very time that death comes for a visit and decides to take everything we love away. There will be no peace for the living after death comes and has his final say.

I wonder why that is? There will never be a time in our lives when we believe that death is something that can be escaped by you and me. Think about what that means in comparison to how life can be so beautiful, makes us all wonder why it has to be that way.

We aren’t allowed to talk about death and those that do are always deemed satanic. I can’t believe that all the light that we once were all of a sudden becomes something that is feared and represented by being something so dark.

Yes of course we would think that there is no room for all of the souls that roamed this Earth and once were but remember how Scientists always like to tell us the universe is so vast and infinite so how could it not be possible that there is some sort of existence after all this?

They tell us to look for signs in our day to day to prove to ourselves that there is more to this existence we find ourselves in. If this was true could it be away to excuse away unnecessary violence and untimely deaths? I can’t believe that some lives are just for nothing so that evil can evil it’s way. Isn’t that just a horrible understatement to think that some lives are seemingly for nothing. Beautiful babies born with the inability to take a breath or in the worst of all cases in their small lives all they will know is pain. Does that make sense in any sort of way?

At least that is what I think about when I think about my own life. How is this even possible and I guess life and love will somehow find a way. Sure I may not live in the happiest of homes but I know that I am committed to trying my best and I think y’all should know. That the greatest joy comes when I hold onto my boys hand when he is sleeping, then I imagine how it would feel if somebody did that to me and I can’t help but think that it would be a little bit creepy.

Another thing that brings me joy is the animals that gravitate towards me and want to spend time with me. They can go and be anywhere in this house yet they chose a spot that is nearest to me. I think that let’s me know that my energy is becoming right. I know it is only a feeling and it something that is kept out of sight so how they feel about me almost becomes vitally important, a lifeline.

In their eyes I am not lazy or all those horrible things that my husband likes to say. To them it is very possible that I am the best part of their day and that my friends is more than I can say. I don’t need to say anything that just smile and until the bad feelings are gone. I love this part of my life and I think I could always go on even if their is a little bit of uneasiness that likes to continue on.

If I could be anywhere and be anything I wouldn’t change a thing. I am a mom of a beautiful boy and he will always make my heart sing. Even when he is angry and there is not much I can do I hope there is something I can say to calm him and that is all that I can do. Spending my time with him I know he is my forever friend. It breaks my heart in knowing that it is possible that feelings like this could possibly end.

I know that it is possibly because my dad hates my guts. I think that is what hurts me the most in life and that is a feeling that will never go away or I will never have enough. The emptiness I feel with the loss of his presence in my life is something I can’t explain. He missed my wedding, my first born and all of his milestones like he didn’t have a part of bringing all of us into the world.

I will never know a life of family dinners with my Dad. I will never know what it would feel like to watch him grow old in his golden years. It hurts a little but then I remind myself it’s not like I am the only one faced with these fears. What I need to focus on is the things in my control, and all that I can control is my fears and insecurities so who truly wants to live this way.

If you could be all rainbows and buttercups by choosing your mood don’t you owe it to yourself to at least try and see what it is you can do? If not for yourself what about for those that gave you life? I mean it is important to me that my son finds love and happiness no matter what it is that I am blessed in this life. My heart is broken that my father chose a woman over his own spawn but he did it to all of us so I know it wasn’t something that I could have prevented so what can you do? Focus on the love and light in front of you because that is the blessing in life that has been given to you. At least to me he is my blessing and I am thankful for that. To have an opportunity to know this part of life here on Earth is something I can tell you is worth every sacrifice if you can make them. Not many can and some are here to serve another purpose.

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