A Silver Lining

I know why I am hated. I get told all the reasons every single day. Last night it was I was a good for nothing retard. What did I ever do in this life to deserve this kind of pain?

I love my sisters, but they don’t love me. I was always the one that all the drama would fixate on too taking with me every little piece of joy from every single room. I didn’t mean to be that way, but my life force would act like a magnet. If there was anyway anybody who was going to act deranged it would be towards me and nobody else, ever.

It would be hard enough for anybody to learn about my abuse nevertheless my sisters. All I wanted was a life where I could maybe fit in, but that outcome was never going to be lost on me. I will always be the crazy one, the emotional one, making it almost impossible for anybody around us to even breathe. My reality is that I have learned a long time ago if somebody out there doesn’t like you then it is your God given right to pick up and finally leave and never come back. It doesn’t matter if you share the same blood and you use it to define you, not everybody has your best interest at heart and there is nothing you can ever do to change those facts.

I live in a Universe where most of the world doesn’t like me because I was too young when I was forced to grow up so old. I saw the world differently and there was no way this much evil could ever escape me as I look for rhyme or reason to try and mitigate through all of these facts. There are just some people who have been hard wired to hurt you and unfortunately for us we have to wait our turn to see if we are fit enough in our heart to survive.

I think the fear of being alone is what drives us never calm enough to enjoy the company of our own shadow. I prefer to be alone for the most part because at least here I can try and stay away from other people’s rage. Even when I keep to myself this evil kind of energy likes to try and find me. There isn’t too much for one to do with all this negativity that likes to keep turning up around me and my house.

In my mind I think it is easier to keep everybody away. You don’t have to worry about other people’s expectations or even the words you need to say. In a sea full of family how is it that you can’t find a single person you know? Oh ya. I was cast away at 13 because I was the one who was damaged and broke all the rules. I was the one with an abusive boyfriend who made the first years of my high school life hell. I will never forget the pain of all the bruises or the cigarettes he would put out on my skin just so he could get a whiff of how burning skin would actually smell. I was so embarrassed that this this was the life that was unfolding in front of me that I learned to live in silence and come to terms with my own personal hell.

To my sisters that I let down I am so sorry I caused you any sort of shame or embarrassment in this life. All I wanted was for you to know my name and know that I never wanted or wished for any of this to happen to me. I wanted to protect you in the only way that I thought I could. That was to shut up and be a good girl and only speak when spoken too because truth be told nobody cared too much what I believed or had to say.

Every single bit of insecurity I felt was turned into instant shame. Why wouldn’t anybody who was “normal” appreciate you are maybe you will always believe your destiny has been fulfilled once you make your move and return back to the grave. I suppose in a way we all are all just waiting to die as soon as we take our first breath. The clock begins to tick as soon as our heart begins beating and that is something that will always rest heavy inside my heart and of course weigh down any positive thoughts that may swirl around inside my head.

It’s not that I am attracted to all this drama. I think in a way all this drama likes to come and find me or in a way I am like a magnet who draws in all this negativity towards me. I just can’t seem to come to terms with the idea that any other type of lifestyle might in fact be residing somewhere deep inside of me. I know what most are thinking. Get over it already and find a way to let go.

I didn’t want to let go of something that was so horrendous to me. If it could happen to anybody it was more than likely going to happen to me. I grew up accustomed to the drama and all the sinking feelings that a life lived in this reality could bring and once I got the hang of it I couldn’t fathom the idea that anybody that I loved would ever have to experience a similar thing. That’s where fables and fairytales originate from, they serve as a reminder and beacon to where your heart first began beating and learned how to sing.

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Imagine a life where we didn’t have to worry about so many demons. That those that we found ourselves in the company of had the best intentions at heart. That we wouldn’t have to fear when our backs are turned or when our eyes are closed because we know the company we keep is worth its weight in gold and will keep us comforted for all of these years. At least I hope so that is.

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