I live in this disillusioned state of reality. Well what else in life could it actually be? It’s not like I have a false sense of entitlement or anything I just have a very ground understanding of the way life should be. We can’t escape the facts that the very basic necessities shouldn’t be something we take for granted in this world but here we see each other struggling on the day to day for barely even a reason why.
What so many people don’t understand is although it may look like it I don’t try to live my life to try and get attention. I don’t hold my head down in shame because of what happened to me or what other people are saying because if it was up to me I would never have to listen to any of it but it is because of me that my ears will end up bleeding from it. I have to share some of my life experiences in the hopes of helping another to one day even the score.
My decision to be bold in embracing my personality and even my outward appearance came about to be because at 37 I was faced with the consequences of what would happen to somebody if they finally succumbed and met with their own death.
Here is what is gross about that moment. Those that were never there for you pretend to the outside world that they want to be. They forget all the horrible things they said to you that helped get you to this point. I was literal garbage to my family. When I needed them desperately they just turned their back and pretty much ran. I remember when I told my sister I needed help with my addiction. There wasn’t too much lower that I was willing to go but what was I to know.
I hate when people are mean to me. There is no quicker way to make me cry. I just go back to that lost little girl who was constantly being abused and I can’t help but shake my head and think of why. Why did this have to happen to me and take away all my joy and leave me with pain. If you would have told me at 13 I would never know my Dad I would have laughed at you in every which way that I could and still can.
I wish people could understand what it feels like to be disregarded in such a way. I think in my head I still recognize that feeling that as a kid I was forced to feel every single day. My best friends were liars and stole from me all the time. There is no worse feeling in knowing that and having to hear it from other friends. It’s gross truly and it stands out in my head. A gift that was returned that very same day so she could buy alcohol and cigarettes for her other friends.
I think that is why I get so mad because I am always feeling used. People always come around when they need something so I will stick to myself and mind my P’s and Q’s. I write my thoughts down here because I need to validate my own life. If it wasn’t for the words that I write I don’t think I would feel connected to much of anything these days. Of course my son but even I know I have to prepare for ourselves to part. I love that I got to spend all this time with him but the time is coming for him to spread his own wings and eventually fly.
That is what drives me to do everything that I do. So I can be an example to him who he needs to be. Not grow up in my EXACT image but have the confidence to know that you can be anybody that you can. Sure I might have been a little bit of a beautiful disaster but I dusted myself off quite well don’t you think? For no reason why I wake up with a fire in my soul. I think my drive was given to me as a blessing when I was lost and feeling out of sorts and most definitely out of control.
I like to think because we are not getting out of here alive what difference does it make what we do as long as nobody in life gets hurt. Who are we to enforce our own morals and sense of reality when I think at times it is hard enough just to rise and pick yourself up out of the dirt. What people have made life to be I think it is the furthest possible thing to what the truth will bring out in the end. I think we can see it in the blessings that every little creature is possible of and can potentially bring.
What you have to think about is that life isn’t easy. It was never promised to be easy but we do have the hope that there will be enough calm waters before the storm. Maybe the storm doesn’t need to cause so much destruction that we are used to. Maybe we could find a way to work and live together like I think the original purpose to life might have been. What life means has to be accessible and defined by everybody and that is where we walk the finest of lines. There are those that are born into wealth and privilege’s and then there are the ones who have done nothing but be born into filth and are poor. I don’t get that. We have to go as far back as we can on that ancestral line to find out what they did so wrong that prevents them from ever being able to even out that score. Couldn’t somebody out there help them with their infinite wealth? Level out the playing field and bring promises to the masses of good health?
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