Tyrannical Rage

I threw my wedding ring away yesterday. I had to. With every single insult this man would throw my way my finger became enraged. Hives and red bumps were showing up underneath this representation of family and what happiness is supposed to mean that I just had to get it off of me and throw it away.

Every night I cry myself to sleep at the expense of my husband’s tirade. No matter what it is I do in a day he is mad. Even if my day is spent trying to mitigate my son’s rage. The other day my son hit me with a bat when my back was turned. Sure, it was foam, but you could see the happy excitement that spread across his face. As soon as he connected with my back he giggled and smiled, and I think that is when I really began to understand just how far under, I was about to find myself in these upcoming days.

Today is the day. I hope that I have the courage to do all the things that I have been too scared to do. Find a job. Apply for low-income housing and hope and pray that this nightmare will soon be going away. I get scared thinking that all the pets that have come to call this place their home might end up meeting their own demise. I can’t be the one holding a noose over their heads. Well, a needle jabbed into their arm but how much longer can I survive having to live this way? I don’t think I can survive knowing that they met their end because of me.

He likes to throw it in my face that I have little to no relationship with anybody in my family. His exact words are that he will get them to be character witnesses at our custody trial. How can people who haven’t spent any time with me in 20 so years no anything about me or even how I act? I died, ok? So, I demand to be treated a little differently. The only reason why I am still here is the moral obligation I have to all these cats.

The way I feel is these animals didn’t do anything to have to go back to where they once were, so I excuse away all of his endless tirades and abuse. Maybe I am wrong in the way that I am thinking but with the presence of a man around the house it would be nice if he would somehow show up instead of telling me that everything that I do in this life is useless taking away my smile so that I can focus on all of the pain.

My back is in so much pain, consequences from the back attack but if I tell my husband that I am feeling anything he will turn it on me in some way. Where do I go and how do I get it and why can’t I keep any of my cats once I finally have the courage to finally go. Weird right? That is what stops me from running into the night because I can’t have their lives be over because of my husband trying to settle an old school.

It’s a constant vicious circle where nobody wants to be accountable. I can’t help but whisper underneath my breath how much I hate my husband to him and how I hope that he would one day go away. He has it all wrong, I don’t want him to die. I just want him to be better at being a part of our lives and stop calling me so many names.

I am not a retard, nor am I stupid in fact I am 99% certain I don’t have foam for brains. I was just trying to create a life where I didn’t have to sacrifice a life or lose anybody, I think I am 5 cats over that rainbow if you know what I mean. I don’t even know that I do as I find a new place for me to creatively hide. With the winter months fast approaching us however it seems I am about to be looked in for another season of infinite hell.

My thoughts are, although I crave some sort of human interaction and attention, I think I do far better in an environment where I am isolated cut off from most of the world. Of course, I love my animals and my plants that have come to be, they are my reminder that we are in fact one with the world. It’s in their calm presence that I have this sense of being that maybe if I can just get out of here I will some be ok.

Well, imagine this. I just saw an ad about how important it is to keep your mind active by talking to Google. Talking to google. Whatever happened to calling on a lifeline to hear the sweet voice of a friend? Maybe it is because the rest of the world can’t be trusted, or they are incapable of becoming any sort of reassurance of who we were born to be. I k now here in this house I am always being insulted and it has become so suffocating I can barely breathe.

In his presence I hate myself so much I can’t do anything. He insults every sort of activity that I engage in to help me stay relevant and spread a little joy and hopefully a lot of love. I guess I don’t have to share my story. According to my husband nobody cares, and I should just learn to shut the f*ck up. I guess I could do so but then it becomes too easy for others to railroad me and push me over until I die. I guess it is my way of telling the world I was once hear. Encouraging others to reach out and believe that they are worthy of living their best life one day just like me. I refuse to believe that this is all that I am now, a sounding board for another to keep acting so depraved.

Thank you so much for your continued support. For those of you who show up you have no idea how much your presence has saved my life. We are almost at 100 subscribers on YouTube which means live Q and As where you can ask me anything and we can all just chat ❤

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCT44prvb_o835cQOG327hbQ

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