Dishonourable Intentions

First off, I know what I said and I am sorry that I haven’t been here. It was my attempt to see if I did as what was requested of me would we surround ourselves with better days? The verdict…absolutely not. No matter what it is I chose to surround myself with will always be the one thing that sets my husband off in his eyes.

Strange isn’t it? You would think that come the weekend I would have a wee more time for the bits and things that I enjoy. Ya right lol I didn’t even get a chance to brush my hair out for two days because that is just the order of things when it comes to me.

I drop everything that I can now for my family to see if maybe that will work. At this time I would have to stay that these actions will be the ones that break that proverbial camel’s back. In my husband’s presence I cower. I know it is a matter of time before I say something wrong. There is something to be said for always feeling like you are walking on egg shells that will be the very thing that will make you go insane.

He always insults my videos, my social media, my blog any little thing that brings me a little bit of joy. I know it seems absolutely ridiculous but I believe that there is value to sharing my story if not a little bit more. I miss reading. The tales that I would delve my senses into. What the German Nazi’s did in the 40’s and 50’s should be enough for us humans to never see that kind of evil again but here we are. On the forefront of another World War we wait in the trenches and hold our breath to see what kind of monster is out there waiting to e even out the score.

I think that is the energy that just petrifies me. The behaviour that others can excuse away because they believe they are entitled to something more. The children they will kill in order to ensure that there is no more of our lifeline so one day they can say that they conquered the rest of the world.

We are growing up with no identity too scared of our own shadows. Will I be made fun of today by the image I betray or will I finally be adored for all that I am and more. I shudder to think we we all were before the pandemic came and slammed all of our doors. All I want is an existence that feels good, free of ridicule and having to act out being all depraved.

I know one day this will be all over as time as we know it is slowly ticking away. It feels like just yesterday I was a 20 year old with so much hope and promise only to be kicked out by my knees when I hit 30 only to catch my breath when 40 rolled around to wake up to where I am now. Those people who always wish for more time to get up and do something never fully realized that the time to get up is now.

Wouldn’t it be nice to go viral? For preaching all the positivity and love that the world keeps in store. I mean it could happen to anybody. So why not give me the chance to even up that score. It’s not like I would be mischievous I would be like Mr. Beast on YouTube whose only desire is to start giving back. I wish I could make the world a little bit easier instead of the daily experiences of hell that we encounter that make it so that we never want to go back.

Why live on the side of righteous when you can just focus on the anger and doing everything wrong. If you don’t have anybody to let down in this life anymore wouldn’t it become easier to see your own value instead of focusing on your own failures? With nobody to taunt you and let you know that you are an embarrassment wouldn’t you just carry on like you have always done before? I am telling you it is almost impossible to swim ahead upstream with so much negative undertone threatening to take it all with it and more.

The more I am taunted the more I try. No matter what others are saying that will make others want to die. I get those feelings too. We have all seemed me overwhelmed. That is why I show up when I can no matter my arrangements or how life has become a living hell. There are those that will understand what you do and will want to offer up their support. That is how you know there is good in the world. When not everybody around you is waiting in the wings to drag you down.

Dishonorable intentions are the worst possible kind. They remind you just what is wrong with the world and can even bring you to your knees so that you start to cry. What I need to control is my rage because Lord knows that there is a lot brewing up down below. I try my best to be reasonable but there are times when my thoughts and mind are spinning way out of control. Do you have those thoughts creeping in? Those little gut feelings that let you know that life as you know it is about to get bad in some way.

I think human beings have to stop living so entitled. What the heck do I even mean by that? I mean I watched two crime shows in a row where the wife was responsible for putting a bullet hole in her husband’s back. Correction. One wife had pressured her 14 year old daughter to put out for her 16 year old boyfriend so that he would kill her dad. No way you need to imagine the evil that runs in some peoples veins because for life as we know it we can see it as they find a way to turn on their family and friends.

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