There are a few things I wish I learned a long time ago. Like you never appreciate the true value of a moment until it’s gone and to be careful who you vent to. Just because they are listening doesn’t exactly mean you have found a friend. Do you know what I mean? Here let me go in and explain.

How many times have you thought you found yourself in good company only to find yourself dodging phone calls the next day? You know the ones. Did you really say such and such to so and so and is that really what you honestly think about me?

What about the calls you don’t even have to dodge? The calls on speaker phone when you think that you may have a little bit of privacy but then you find out they were sitting out in the open among friends. This didn’t happen EXACTLY this way to me but I found myself on the other end. I was the one listening to somebody speak bad about me when they thought that they had found the ears of a friend.

Where does your loyalty lie when put in that position. You call a friend to vent about another girl that you think is trash (enter me). You don’t want her around because she is a middle aged wash out who always has her hand out wanting more.

You see I am sorry if I confuse you but I am going to flip it once again. I was an innocent middle aged 30 something who was starting over and just wanting to find somebody to hang out and hopefully friends. I loved the Pin-Up esthetic and thought what could be the harm of like minded minds. Let me tell you there is nothing like a middle aged woman scorned.

I was tired of all these games when all I wanted was the truth. I didn’t have time to blow smoke and steam up some of their arses like so many around me these days get so much joy out of doing. There was bashing for weight and appearance and even financial, which is what I was experiencing. It was assumed that I was a mooch even though I had three jobs. Of course because I didn’t own a house I must have been some what of a slut too. You know how it works when you don’t fit into that conventional mold. That is why I am not going to change for anybody. The very least judgmental people like you.

Sorry not like you but it is hard not to go back. I hated what they said about me amongst each other like they didn’t have any other care. That is what started my dislike for the community that claimed to be all inclusive. It is inclusive for that certain type of “body” and if you don’t fit in all they do is stand back and stare.

Ah the value of the moment can we just sit back and take it all in. What makes it hard to give up this life that I live in is every moment in this morning that is here. There will be those moments when my son will look up at me and smile. I have to remember to stop everything that I am doing in this moment so I can take a moment and take it all in.

Sure some would say you have to take time for yourself and I know that it will come. There will be a time when he doesn’t need me anymore and that is when I will take my time to finally breathe. I truly want him to be all the things in this life that I have yet to become. I will keep trying to live out my dreams thinking that he has more time on his side than I do. When those thoughts come I have to push them aside. The reality and the truth that we live in is that it only takes one second to do.

In one second your whole world can change turning it into a hell that you never thought you could know. Ask the mom that has been forced to bury their children way before their time and there is nothing on Earth that you can do. Ever hug a mom that is broken and there is no type of glue that will ever make her whole. Her whole world is crumbling in front of her and you want her to hold on but if the roles were reveresed you would want to die sooner too.

You would make every deal possible with the devil just to have one second back. The reality is that once a deed is done you have to start realizing that it is fact. Once a loved one is gone all you have is a faint memory of a time that once was. It doesn’t matter how badly it hurts or what you do because the truth in this life is that you can never go back.

Once a moment is gone it is ripped away from our eyes. Once a heart finally stops beating all you can do is find a way to come to terms and say your goodbyes. I think that is what gives me so much hope that there has to be a life after all of this. I wish so hard into eternity that I will one day get to experience my Grandmother’s kindness and kiss.

All she is is a memory with her wedding photo on my desktop to make me cry. A young woman with so much hope, virality and promise who dreamed of a family one day. One day. Now that one day is gone. Her family is still here but one day they won’t be. I need her to be around somewhere hopefully smiling down on me. When the rest of the world hates me I pray that she still loves me. I need to believe in something or I have no idea where I would end up or eventually be.