I wonder at times, if my love for doing my hair and make-up is in fact what has made my son a little bit strange. According to the husband he will tell you that I have nothing but fluff inside of my brain. Could it be from too much hair spray or maybe life is not meant to be that way. I can`t help but think of a time when aging meant you made it to 30 instead of holding on to a hundred plus years or more.
My son`s struggles seem to be all that I can focus on these days. I want to help him figure out why it is he seems to be filled with so much rage. I have a hard time believing it was from me doing my make-up when he was younger or my fascination with the Pin-up aesthetic and scene.
The more I think about life the more fascinated I am with the manipulation of time and all the things we can achieve if we just show a little bit of commitment and a whole lot of faith. There will be times when the days will feel darker than most but if you just find something to hold onto, I believe that love will have no choice but to make its eventual way.
Sometimes what makes a child lash out is his or hers lack of identity and nobody to ground them and serve as their anchor to help them weather even the most turbulent of storms. Life will throw the most grotesque experiences your way trying to make it, so you don`t want to live another day. Think about it. What happens to the being who has no direct grounding of self. With nobody to feel connected to our accountable for it will be a cold day in hell until I feel something in this room.
Think of some of those greatest lives we have ever felt connected too and ask yourself what happens to their energy when their life form ceases to exist. Their memory lives on only for as long as somebody remembers them then it was like their life never happened because in nobody’s mind did they ever happen to exist. The idea that we are all plummeting to the same existence but we have been accustomed to turning a blind eye and staying out even when it has gotten too cold.
What I have learned from this existence surrounded by so many pets is their is something to be said for the simplicity that likes to enter into every room. What we can get from each other is a quiet understanding and peace of who we once were and all that we are going to be if we could just get one second to breathe. I know, I more than know that I am not destined to belong to anybody. That very concept to me makes me and others sound so deranged. I also don’t like the idea of getting underneath just anybody or having others gather around me witnessing my actions so they can manipulate the outcome so that it would seem that they got their way.
Am I missing something here? Should I feel shame for the clothes that I wear or the way that I wear my hair? Further yet should I feel ashamed that I want to share my story and let others out there know that we do serve a purpose in this continuum if we just slowed down to breathe and take in the fresh air. One day the air won’t be so fresh, at least to today’s standards because only time will tell what humans will do in their lifetime so that they feel on top of the world like me.
You have to lose everything to appreciate the simple things and to know when not to take life too seriously. Is that even possible? It took losing my life to realize who was really there for me and sure I guess I focus on those tiny facts a little to often then not. Trying to get the world to see it in the way that I do is like pulling out the reminder of my last teeth. Don’t forget I know what tooth pain feels like. There is supposed to be no other pain like it in the world. Unless of course we are talking phantom pains but how can we acknowledge something when we don’t even know the what for.
So as I gather up my senses and prepare for another school day I hope that today is easier free of all the yelling and of course the tears. I wish that this part of his life was somewhat easier but I think this is what happens to most children who are part of this world. That eventual separation from the confides of family and the safety net of being at home I need him to try and find out his own identity. I know it seems like insanity to expect this on somebody who is only 5 years old.
To love somebody to bits and pieces you only want what is best for them in this world. I acknowledge that the concept of time is always fleeing us so I can’t help but focus on him until he gets to be old. Just a little bit longer can he be the center of my world? but I have to be realistic when it comes time from separating him from me. I know it is a scary world out there so I need to do what I can to empower him and that is to sharpen up his senses and help him understand the words and emotions that other beings just can not see. Maybe not directly but in time it will become almost so. All I want for him is the best chance at existing. I think that will be my life mission until I grow old.