Last night was filled with anxiety for me. All I could seem to think about is the day in the future when I would one day die. One day all of this will be gone and I have no idea what it was all for. There will be no going back to brighter times when that day finally decides to come and take hold.
There are people in my life that I have come to terms with that I may never speak with again. Just because I no longer check in from time to time does that mean I no longer care? No. Just tired of the onslaught of negativity that comes my way when all I truly want to be is there life long confidant and friend.
The abuse I endured and mental anguish that I experienced has long prevented me from ever having any sort of friends. My sisters hated me for who I was to become. Or who it was they had hoped would be with little or no care to what it was I was forced to even live for.
Even my Dad wishes that I was dead. Saying I am far too much drama for him to ever have time for in his ripe old age. I couldn’t imagine being that person to my son. It has been 4.5 years since we spoken and even longer than that since we were any type of friends. I remember being 28 and begging my Dad to chose a life with me and his family over what was to come. It was like a had this sick reckoning that his I do’s would be his I don’t’s.
I don’t care about the life I had before this moment when I became a new man. A new husband in your Golden years when what you should have been looking for was a friend. Even I know a real woman always encourages the bonds and sanctity of our children. Especially one that has bared so many one can’t help but question how black is her soul.
My life as I have known it as a young girl has been ripped into pieces and has become a distant memory. I think maybe that is why we have had so much trouble when it has come to establishing our own. We all have a sense air of entitlement that has no business in even being here but here it is to stay, like we have some sort of inkling what we are doing as we look towards even brighter days.
What I find odd in the way I have chosen to communicate is I am told to stop all outpourings to this cold hard world. Over and over again I am told to shut up and stop writing these tales that nobody reads, am I only out for attention and any other sort of feedback I may receive but the truth is, my truth, all I am looking for is a friend. Somebody to validate my existence and to maybe at times take my hand and let me know that in time I will someday be ok.
What I experienced last night I know I can’t speak of because if I let any sort of words escape my lips I know my whole life will change. All my fears will be rushed right to the forefront and I will lose all the control that I tried meticulously to build over all of these years and that I can’t let happen no matter how I am forced to live out all my fears.
No matter where I go or what I do in this life I will always be a constant irritation to those I love. My husband will tell you it is because I am hated but I am here to tell you it is because I will call anybody out who is listening without any regard or inkling of mind. Why let somebody get away with treating you or others like garbage? I think that is what makes us officially insane.
I think of the people I am made to entertain because they simply are family and then there are those in this life that I wish would simply go away. If I close my eyes long enough I fly away with the angels but then I get scared about all the things in this life that I will eventually miss.
When I have those thoughts I can’t breathe because I know that day is coming for me one day. I don’t want to die now but I don’t want to age terribly being cast to the wayside by those who claimed they could never watch me die, so they don’t. Nobody will come to visit me as I wither away because even now when I am fully mobile I waste my days away. I am too scared to be ridiculed or ignored by everybody that I hide among the shadows until night fall comes to stay.
What I fear are those who just come around to be acknowledged by somebody. After trying to make a name for themselves they may finally come around my way. Tired of having nothing and being nobody it makes the most sense to be around the ray of sunshine who tried to make the most of each day. Those who fixate onto obscure facts so they can feel better have me turning on my wheels faster then they can have their say. If you fooled me once that’s ok but don’t believe in your heart that every dog and scoundrel is entitled to having their day. Not on my watch, no not ever again. Stop pulling the wool over my eyes and stop calling yourself a friend.
I am riddled with anxiety because I feel sick inside of this life. There is no way that this is normal as I choke back on the bile just so I can say a few words. Life shouldn’t be this constant struggle and insane battle that constantly has me worried, left struggling to get in air.