A System Of Failure

Yesterday was hard. I watched the whole life I have come to know begin to slip through my grasp and there was nothing I could do. For 45 minutes I watched this horror unfold in front of me with nobody answering their phones or trying to give me a hand. There is a fear that takes over your whole body as your future is being revealed to you and you lose all control.

My son was triggered. It happens quiet often. And when it happens you just have to find that one way to reach him in any manner that you can. This time it was me. All morning I prepped him for his dad to pick him up so when I showed up, he turned and ran into the streets. He was out of control and unreachable as he spiraled downhill from there.

Watching this unfold out in public was one of my biggest fears. There was three teachers and the principal as they all looked at me with these wide eyes filled with fear. I heard one teacher exclaim that he wasn’t safe at home with me. That he doesn’t listen to anything I say and in fact he kept running away from me.

Out in front of the school was the hardest of all. Every time I came close to him, he would pick up his feet and run. Then the cops showed up. Two patrol calls in fact. All I could do was call the husband’s cell and his work and at 2 in the afternoon there was no answer, and it made no sense. He was supposed to be here. How can our son not be the most important thing in the world. I made the mistake of saying out loud that I was losing my grip on reality and in fact all control.

What I have no idea of knowing at this point if these people are after me or trying to be my friend. My whole family is about to be physic evaluated and I fear that this may all have no choice but to end. I am scared of this system that doesn’t seem to act in our favour. I feel set up for failure by our system as they advised me to take Effexor, zoplicone and Ativan. All of these drugs have a side effect of what is happening. How is this my fault when the Doctors told me I wouldn’t have my baby if I didn’t take what was prescribed by them.

In a sea full of sharks who do you trust? Who do you talk to when you don’t even have a friend? What I have come to realize is this is maybe it is easiest not to trust anybody and to keep to myself until the bitter end. Every word you twist will be used against you; I think that is what should be said when your miranda rights are read. Isn’t that the way they want it to be? They want to trip you up with your own words and intentions, so they don’t have to do much work in the end.

As my son went red faced and kept trying to run into traffic my heart literally broke right in half. I could hear what they were saying about me and how they questioned me as a mom all while I dialed my husband’s numbers once again. I needed this to be over and all I wanted was to hug him and take him home, but he was so angry at the world in that moment that his rage was all that he could see.

Maybe I shouldn’t say anything because I know that they will use these words to come back at me. I feel like they are in cahoots with the pediatric doctor, and I am scared to talk to anybody that doesn’t live in this house. My whole life I have been set up for heart break and failure with my whole family pushing me away as they leave. I am tired of those who exclaim that the world is out there to get them when all of this insanity keeps happening to me.

I try to tell myself as long as he is alive, I think I will be ok. I couldn’t help but hug and kiss him when he finally got into the van to let us leave. I love everything about him, and he is the reason why I feel so frustrated and out of sorts like I can never be the same again.

This is hard because I know as he keeps on getting older the divide between us will never go away. In fact, it will probably getter bigger, and I am not looking forward to this day. How can I find a way to live without him? I know other strong women have had to find a way. I think that is where my thoughts keep going too when I feel our mother/son connection begin to slip away.

The light of my life is struggling so bad, and I am scared of what is to happen to him in this current day and time. I wish I could reach his brain and find a way to reach him, but I don’t think I am privy to that sort of information, and I have to find a way to be ok. It’s not that I am going to turn my back on him and make his find his own way, I am just scared of the life that is going to unfold in front of him and I am scared of what that “proverbial” system might do.

I don’t trust those in charge because they have ever worked in our best interest. The behaviour we allow to be excused away should make us all stop in our tracks and demand to know more. We deserve to know the truth of our origins and where it is we once came. In failing to acknowledge the obvious we put ourselves into a position where we just might go insane.

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