A Painful Reality

Our propensity to be able to fully consume the amount of crap that is constantly being dished out to us is beginning to fade away. What most of the world deems appropriate makes me feel incredible uncomfortable but with our inability to communicate what is one to do?

This weekend is the weekend we give thanks here in Canada but I am being forced to say goodbye to a dear friend. Somebody I have had the pleasure to get to know through social media and maybe one day meet in person but who was to know? I do now. That imagery is never meant to be. One day she was posting about Mental Health and the next minute we are told that she is gone.

I guess maybe I should have had an inkling. The other day as I took my son to work a yellow butterfly flew by. What a weird thing to say right? Well I never had seen one in this area of my life and just like magic one appeared and flew on by. I remember having the thought I wonder who that was but then my son saw his teacher so the butterfly was forgotten and we began to run.

Our last conversation was how we must have been Bonsai twins because she posted a picture on her account and I noticed I had the same tree. I sent her a picture and made a lil comment too. I didn’t know that it was the last time we would speak to each other and now I am uncertain of how to feel or what to even do.

I was already starting to feel down and incredibly depressed. It’s not like I have many in this world that I trust so when this new realization began to sink in I couldn’t help to scream. We have no details yet as to what actually happened to her. It could have been something self inflicted, a sporadic illness, maybe even an illness or maybe somebody had hurt her in such a way. I am not sure why she was chosen to depart this realm so soon but it has left me down here shaking in my boots.

Our new reality is that we might become close to somebody via social media then time will have a different idea and take them immediately away. With no rhyme or reason you just never hear from them again. How will we know that their time has come? Some people we will always be left wondering about on our timeline with no information or idea on where it is that they decided to go. Was it something they decided or something that was forced upon them? In this day and age their is a greater probability that we will never know. I am not certain anymore of what I am doing and I believe my pain is beginning to show.

When somebody leaves us it is hard to mitigate through all the pain. How do we even find the way to even desire to live out anymore days? With so much emptiness that is out to get us I am scared to live another day. It doesn’t make sense what we are all doing here when we take into consideration the way that some us decide to go on and play.

There has to be hell doesn’t there? I place to go where all of our previous sins have to one day get payed. It doesn’t make sense that somebody would live their life so righteous and then another one will glorify the evil that lives inside of them in so many ways. How can we expect to live for brighter days? I am wondering who it is that we are all becoming and I am wondering how many of us will be forced to one day stay living in turmoil afraid of our own shadows and anything else that might be deemed worthy enough of finding us.

If I think about what it means to die I can’t help questioning what it means to truly live. I can tell that there are the scales being weighed out of what is good and what is evil and that will be the voice of reason that we will come to love and honour and always let out to come and play. The idea that we can imagine any other type of existence speaks volumes of how we might end up to be one day.

Imagine a life where we never have to worry where we are free to live our lives in the best way that we can. There would be no reason to be mean or to constantly ridicule or even worry because we feel comfortable in the presence where everybody knows our name and we want to make our contribution to help our friends feel the best way that they can.

That is what makes living in this existence almost impossible. At times we are so incestual with each other we seem to know everything that is going on until something that comes up that truly matters then we don’t tell anybody as we struggle and barely hold on. I understand that confliction of knowing who to trust. I hate repeating my words and my feelings as it really does a number on me and deteriorate my self worth.

That is where I have been for the last few days. Locked in a reality where I am not sure even my name. I hate everything about myself and where I am going that it has become almost impossible to wade through this much pain. I would make a wish for something good to be soon coming but even I know that some wishes fall upon deaf ears, never meaning to be heard. I wish I could make sense of my own reality instead of buying into this idea that will make everybody happy. My new reality is that we can’t save everybody and in the growing world of anonymity how do we come to realize when somebody is hurting and truly needs to be heard?

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