Middle of the Night

Forgive me for saying so and in the fear of being hated myself but do you know what I hate most of all? Rape Culture. Those people who get off seeing others being tortured and abused. Nothing turns my stomach faster than those types of human beings.

I think about it in the sense that some beings last moments here on Earth was during the most depraved moments so who are we in this lifetime to begin to profit from that sort of thing. People like seeing other people being degraded and assaulted so it is kind of alarming that this is how society has decided to get off.

Hear me out for a second. It’s like when the movie Titanic came out. Did you want to see it knowing that this tragic story was going to unfold and eventually happen with Hollywood pocketing off of all those life’s that were lost. Nobody should be able to profit off of another’s tragic ending so I kind of feel the same about violence that is portrayed in our mainstream media.

I understand that is what some people like and that it should be deemed ok but in the eyes of somebody who has been victimized it is like we are being victimized all over again. You can go and live your life, but those memories will forever haunt you no matter where it is in life you have found yourself to go. Trauma stays with you, and it makes you look at the world different. I need to see the things in life that are common in order for my story to even begin to make sense.

I think why it is so important for me to honour those lives once lived is because what if I end up where they have gone? I already know that I am going to one day die but what happens after that is what I am curious too. I don’t want to end up with the depraved of society. I am not capable of committing any more sins or glorifying the ones that have happened to other people too.

It’s like we are all on rock flying in the middle of nowhere. Nobody wants to get along with each other or place nice anymore we want to taunt the devil and all the evil spirits. There was a time when all we cared about was playing house and preservation of our young lol I miss those days of the great suburbs even though I only lived vicariously through it by watching them.

I had this idea that I wanted to try and reach everybody. Now I see the problem with that mentality. There are people I am just cordial too because of consequences and civility. Not because I favour them at all but because that is what society has told me to do but now with this blatant disregard for others because of this empowered way of thinking has my stomach in knots and crying almost out of control.

I know I should shut up and not say a peep but there is a part of me that is wondering if that is the mentality that is making me weak? Free thinking yes and such is free will, but I am so bond to my ancestors that I can’t disrespect them in any sort of way. To glorify such evil and make light of what some humans have done I think maybe the ultimate kind of sin. It might be way our world is growing so dark with crime on the rise and disrespect oozing from every which way. I want to return to them one day and I want them to want me to return to them too. I don’t want them raising their eyebrows at me and thinking what the hell was she thinking and hell na she can try again because that life she lived just won’t do.

That I think in itself is my own personal boundary and something I have spent my whole lifetime to forget. When your first serious relationship was based on so much anger and violence, I truly did begin to hate my own voice. Some people say I sound like a little girl and others say I sound like a man. I am not sure which voice they are referring to. Maybe it depends on just how angry I am. I like to think that good people will always be there no matter what in life they have gone through. I just hope you know at times seeing somethings get difficult and having to listen to what other’s think they are entitled to.

At times i wish I could change my whole life because that is what other people force on me to feel. They want me to jump at my own shadow and be too scared to even come out of my house to come out onto the streets. That is what my neighbor did do when she insulted me for having colored hair. I wonder what she would think now that I bleach my hair more on the regular. I would rather be dumb if I have to share the same air with people like that. Unfortunately, I will have to, but I won’t take them with me in the afterlife. They can go to where they need to go and so can I. To the furthest galaxies and beyond we will all be one day. I just hope we have a little bit of control of who comes over to hang out and wanting to play.

One day right. This will all make sense. I can’t believe how far we all have fallen when all we needed to do was stand still and take a breath. There is no beauty in glorifying evil and there will never be any light. It all begins with what you believe and what gets you going in the middle of the night.

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