Loving You Ain’t Easy

I am not tired of hearing that you are gone I just hate the way that other people insist on telling me like that they cared that you existed now that a week and half as already past. The people who mattered most knew when you ceased to be present on this timeline now the rest of the world is listening and demanding to be caught up.

She was my friend too. My message to her still sits in my inbox. I could wonder if she even saw my message but in my heart I knew that message came in too late. Not that it would have matter. Her life force had already began to become undone. What I miss most now in this eerie silence is her laughter and the curling of her lips when she was comfortable with who she had become.

Did we miss the signs? I think we all did. Hoping that it was just a dark cloud hovering that would eventually go away. I remember just a week and a bit ago seeing a picture of her bonsai tree so I sent her a message trying to connect with her once again. I know it seems trivial, all things considering, but at the time I was trying to reach out to her even though she felt in her own body she would have nowhere to go.

What I feel most connected to in this timeline is the life that I feel myself surrounded by. I like to stop and take them all in and see what is common between us. We all find ourselves in this space and time and animal or not we all find ourselves alive. We all find comfort in the sun rays and in the company of others and in our darkest hearts corner we all dream for brighter days. No matter where we find ourselves now we all have known of something sinister as we grew accustomed to seeing what humans are capable of when they are acting so depraved.

How do you shut yourself off from a world that seems all too forthcoming with celebrating evil and all the ways as humans that we have fallen short and failed? There are matter of the heart that will always fail us no matter how strong we appear or how we remain to stay in control. There is no telling for what may ultimately happen in this life all we can hope to do is control the things that we can.

I can decide today if I am going to love myself and celebrate my life in my own little way. Why do I need anybody to come and intervene when they never stay? In fact they hardly ever come near. I hate those beings that only come around when they need something, I keep those on the back burner with a disclosure of nobody needs to know. You aren’t privy to my life just because you think you are entitled to it. Nah. In fact just like anybody you have a long way to go.

When I think about my past I know that those days never existed because if they did they wouldn’t be so far out of my reach. Like if my sisters truly cared and my dad actually loved me wouldn’t they want to be around to celebrate all these years? It seems hard to admit but it seems that even at 20 years old my parents marriage was the backbone to our entire family. When that relationship crumbled so did all of us. My Grandmother died shortly after and I rarely saw my father again. It is like they all ceased to exist once the ink was dried and the divorce set in.

Time marches on and I find myself where I a now. Dying changed everything for me when I came back to and opened my eyes. It was like everybody thought that I was never coming back. The outpouring of love on the internet was only there as a façade. People wanted a reason to obtain all this sympathy even though they didn’t care about what was happening to my family. My sisters came to visit, once. I am convinced because the one was hoping I did die like she had wanted me to do over all of these years.

I could try to save face or a relationship that isn’t there but I can see what is obvious and I can see who cares. People think I blog for attention and I think that they maybe right. All I am trying to do is ease those dark feelings that come to grip me late at night. I feel lost and insecure and not sure even what to do. It helps surrounding myself with a purpose that only living with all these animals could possibly do.

I was born different and to not go quietly into the night. The devil was sent to defeat me when I was a child and for a while there I thought his purpose was right. I believed in the darkness like I knew my own name. All I could focus on was so much sorrow and the source of my infinite pain The devil did come a knocking and he wanted to carry me a way. He wanted me to become a soldier in his evil, twisted game.

I played into it for awhile but I was always curious of the source. Who is the one to benefit from all this anguish when all it has done was keep me out of sorts. I was a child of the darkness until I ran into the light to get away. You can tell by my choice of poison that I haven’t given up that I have dug my heels into the ground to play.

Loving me ain’t easy but I know that I have to find a way. I am a being of infinite importance and that love will always find a way.

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