In the furthest corners of my heart all I ever wanted was a chance to grow up and be me. I thought that I could do no wrong in my family’s eyes so maybe I did take for granted that they would always be around.
So maybe I am hated because of all the bad things that happened to me making it almost impossible for me to be loved. There was this evil energy that came alive inside of me every time I got comfortable to open up my eyes. What I saw as a child makes me cry even now. My brain hurts just imagining my son have to experience anything I did in the same way. My mind tells me to do everything I can to help empower him so he can trust his own thoughts and instinct and come to appreciate his own free will.
I never believed there could be a possible existence where the family I once loved has become estranged. That we would stop sharing holidays and birthdays and even phone calls one day. I know I shouldn’t harbour and feelings of ill will, but it is so hard to think of being any other way. I guess in the grander scheme of things I barely shared a fraction of my life with them. There is nothing we can do in this existence to ever get our fill.
In the absence of our beginnings, we still desire to know the truth. There is no telling if we will ever find our true intentions or even care to find our connection to our own roots. I find it so hard to trust or believe in anybody so that is why I have to keep on believing in myself and having so much faith.
The faith that I seek is the strength in my heart to keep on going. Life was never promised to be easy in fact I think it is incredibly damn hard. I can’t tell if it is something wrong in my own head or maybe it happened long ago when I got my first broken heart. Once we are living there is no going back to where we used to be, and it will be a long time coming before we can ever go back again. The fear is that we will do something in this life to prevent us from ever knowing of where we came from and where it is that we want to return.
Our ability to engage in free choice is the very thing that will rip us apart. Sometimes it will be jealousy that gets in the way and other times it will be horror that spreads across another’s face. I remember a time when it seemed like the world was more balanced and incredibly even but then there is the activities that others engage in that to me truly makes no sense.
I will always maintain that my life made the most sense when I finally became a mom. There is nowhere in the world that I would rather be then inside this house helping him grow and watch whom it is that he is to become. He is the ultimate love of my life so why was time trying to become anything else. I will live in my grandmother’s best image because there is no way I could dream of being anybody or anything else.
In the center of my heart is my own self-worth and thought and all other beings who failed to see the good in me will begin to fall apart. Maybe not entirely but at least in my eyes they will forever be. You can’t keep on being so evil just to see the reactions between you and me. Sometimes it takes a lot for others to finally say that they had enough. Sometimes it makes more sense to just suck it up and let it go.
Some people can carry on with little thought or regard to the people in their life that they might eventually hurt. I understand the reasoning behind us feeling so self-righteous and entitled but do we actually have to reduce others lower than dirt? We have the power to raise each other up but we would rather kick each other when we are done. Who are you and what makes you tick? Are you that obsessive evil that makes everybody around you sick?
I want to be respectful to others without forgetting of where I came from and who I am. I don’t want to be afraid of my own shadow when others are around just because I am a little bit different and other people can. I want to gravitate towards the greatest light source on Earth that I can possibly find. The words and thoughts that I have already spoken running freely in my mind.
Our truth is that none of us will ever get out of here alive. We will do all that makes us happy doing what we can do to help those that we love to survive. To spread ourselves thin in every which way will be the greatest loss of a lifetime and it will take only about a day. Once the air of self-doubt creeps in it will be impossible to ignore. All self-worth goes out the window left you feeling empty but aching for more.
To come into my own while the rest of the world is watching is something incredibly difficult. Those that I thought would be around my inner circle are now long gone with no hope for reprisal, I never thought I would live in a time where I would have to accept my life for being this way. I guess it should be ok. What other people are capable of surviving is the strength that gives me the fire to go on. We are all truly born created equal. It is the evil alive in every man that makes us all believe that we are entitled to be treated a little differently.