There is this incredible noxious air that has decided to transcend itself down all around me. I can’t truly speak to how it got here except for I am ready for a change, but I am not sure if I even have it in me to begin to try.

Forty-three years is a long time to try and do something with one’s life isn’t it? Like I want to be here around for my son, but it becomes increasingly hard with an air that has become oh so suffocating. I am tired all the time. I think my battle with depression has finally caved in. I would keep trying what I have come accustomed to love but those closest to me will insist that I am just wasting my time.

What overtakes my mind most days is death and dying and how we are coming closer every day to a new reality that in this lifetime we aren’t privy to know. I want to go dark, but I am scared by what that means I know that I can’t survive among the cruelest of them all.

I like soft things like puppies and kittens, and it makes me hurt the most when I think that another being is suffering somewhere out there all alone. I get sad not knowing who it is that we are to become that I live in fear sometimes and waste my days alone inside. Not truly alone but I think you know what I mean. I am not sure if I can live out, along society now that I know what we are capable of and feel entitled too.

Forgive me for saying this but why do we poke so much fun at the dark? Why do we shun heaven so much and run fearlessly towards hell? I get that under the guise of the church that men and women were capable of some of the most horrible and disgusting things, but wouldn’t that mean they were made out of evil instead of something righteous that would one day lift us up?

I am not scared of death or dying or the ugly things that come alive at night. I am scared of the intentions of others when what they think they are doing is right. When mothers can kill their own children then turn the knives on their own moms, I think we are failing rapidly as a civilization to the likes that this Universe has never seen before.

Life makes no sense in all the things that we have done. The way we excuse away the awful things that have happened then censor them so we will never know the truth of what it all could possibly mean does nothing for our inner peace and would not come close to saving our souls. People in power scare the life out of me just like they can tear you to pieces before your life has even begun.

I am so confused in my own head for the most part that it aches at the thought of having to decide in anything anymore. What I thought life was supposed to mean is now in shambles. I grew up believing that family was supposed to mean something so how was I supposed to know. I am exhausted at the thought of it all and I don’t even know where to begin. How do you begin to find purpose in life when you don’t even know what that should even mean? Seriously though. That thought just makes my head explode. I am tired of over analyzing but in this life, it is all I ever do.

I am scared of dying to be honest but then I start to think why it should be scary if that is what we were born too inevitably do. Nobody has ever got out of here alive only or perceptions of life and whatever material we have to gain. That is what confuses me of those who don’t have anybody to inherit their life too. Like a child or somebody else to pass on their life, sweat and tears. Without that connection and chance of life living on it all comes for nothing. I think that is what we have all of a sudden forgotten about.

That is where my thoughts are sitting most days ever since the death of my friend. We never saw it coming and I am still at a loss as to why her life had to end. I don’t care about the gossip all I want is for her to know that I care. I hate that in this life I missed a chance to be a friend that was actually there. I still don’t know what had happened to her but that is because I keep to myself for the most part these days. Let me sit here and take a moment to think about her life once again. This is what happens in my mind when you are somebody that I called a friend.

I want to save everybody from the poison that has taken over this land. You can see it in other people’s misfortunes and the way that others don’t give a damn. Where’s that middle ground that I see for shelter because I am not so easily read. I don’t buy into the Devil, but I do believe Jesus was a man. There has to be good and evil that can be equated by dark and light. I couldn’t imagine living in a fiery pit of hell the way that only the most inhumane can. That evil exists we have seen it rampant in the streets. There is the potential for danger with ever new human that you meet.

I appreciate the darkness, but it doesn’t mean I want to be a lifelong friend. I just understand that we need to both work together at times