I remember it all to be a little bit different. A little bit strange but a life lived none the less. When you are in it you don’t really understand what is happening. It’s only when the party is over and the haze begins to lift do you realize who it is that you have become.

I was attracted to the down and out loser who had no hope in hell of ever becoming anything. It was easier that way. Keep my expectations low so when they were to disappoint it was a lot easier to throw the towel in and just go.

It’s true what they say. Be attentive to your surroundings and the tales that others wish to share with you. Listen to what they have to say like it is gospel then do what you need to do to keep the bad man away.

There was so many signs that this man was a loser. I mean our first date had him drinking a six pack and peeing in a public park. Jokes on me right? You would think that public display of depraivity would be enough for me to leave…but I didn’t. I was intrigued. Who pulls their pants down in front of children swaying side to side for the whole world to see.

He thought he was a somebody. Always hiding behind his Dad’s patch like he was part of the game. Every lie he told me it was too the extreme. I mean I was told that he was breaking into elderly people’s houses just so he could get a little extra crack to smoke. This information came to me way later when I found myself talking to his Dad just outside of his house.

I was a loser too. Sick of trying and not sure what to do. I knew I deserved better than this monstrosity but what is a girl in my position to do? I worked 2 jobs steadily. Until his drug habits got the best of me and I was asked to leave. The lies he was capable of was insatiable. He even stole my mother’s wedding and engagement rings. What trash. I know. I know my fault but I still like to get the story out and see what happens before I go.

Drinking was an everyday thing for him. Drinking in public was his most favourite thing. He would spit anywhere and do what he felt like doing. There was nothing on this Earth he caught embarrassment from. Nothing.

I treated as well as anybody ever could have. I mean I just wanted a warm body in my bed to sleep beside so I could care less if he decided to pick up and go. He didn’t. He hated that idea. I was an easy target as he had come to know. Everything he did was to try and get me to be stuck with him and his insanity until I finally had the courage to pick myself up and leave.

That in itself was a miracle. All I wanted was for him to go away. He was playing me and any other girl that would lie flat for him so I just had enough of the obscenities so I just had to leave. The cops got called which eased the situation as he leveled me out with a closed fist in front of our house. The neighbours were the ones who called the police so when they showed up they gave him no option but to go and never come back. I was scared that he would so I stayed up all night. He couldn’t be trusted when he was drunk he really truly was a fright.

Everybody wants to be somebody until they are called out and they fall flat on their face. He couldn’t be nice if his life depended on it being the meanest person in the room was his saving grace. You know how people say oh that guy, ya he’s an *sshole. Well they would take second place to the way my ex behaved. Maybe he was a nice guy I could never be sure. He was an alcoholic for the most part, for every part so it did make it a lot easier when I finally put my foot down and told him to go.

Nice guys will always finish last because of human beings like that. I was embarrassed to introduce him to anybody because even I knew there would be no coming back from the things that he would say. He would insult people like it was the air that he would breathe. So easy. So nonchalantly like insulting people was a breeze. No care or even consideration for all the things that he had said and done. I am not sure the thoughts milling around his brain or the certain feelings that he had won.

I remember once he contacted me like he had always done and probably will always do. He had this weird infatuation with me that continued on even after I was married and had a kid. When he first found out I was married he was shocked so he just disappeared. Only to resurface 6 months later to tell me that he was married now too. He wanted me to talk to his wife and tell her just what an *sshole to me he was. I wouldn’t tell her anything about our time together, in fact I deleted and blocked both of them after all these years.

My life isn’t a game even though at times it totally feels like one. I know the words that other people will use to cut you and I just stand over here in silence soaking it all in. I don’t need to worry about the opinions of others although they cut like a knife. All I need to focus on now is that I am a woman, a mother and at times I can be a happy wife.