I think what is truly beginning to break me is how much husband does hate me. Every word out of his mouth is something degrading, and it is becoming more than I can handle or even care to control.
I can’t breathe to the point where I am feeling like I am suffocating. I think I know what it feels like when people are forced to die this way. Struggling for air my face goes bright purple and every nerve ending in my body begins to stand up and take notice as I get ready to face the end. I get so scared when this happens to me almost by the minute and it hurts so much to hear my husband saying I am faking it so I can fulfill some sick need. The need he thinks I crave is to be the center of attention but all I truly want is for all of this anxiety to finally pick up and leave.
At night it gets worse. It’s like all of the air around us goes to sleep too. I guess maybe it is a possibility. Depending on the life cycle of all the life forms that provide us with CO2. I think I need more plants in this house. I have a craving to save those plants that the department store decides to throw away. You know the ones that have lost all their promise and lackluster to one day find themselves on the discount shelf put out to be in front of anybody who has done their shopping and decided to leave.
Negativity begins to fester and has a habit of becoming something else. I hate who I have become in this relationship although I am independent, I still find myself with this obsessive need. This need to be somebody different that people will love instead of immediately hate. His rebuttal to every argument that we have is how I stand alone because I pushed away anybody who thought just a little bit differently than me. I mean I had too. The way that they would turn faster than a dime. There is no way I would keep myself in this kind of company when I was trying everything in my power just to be everything that I could and can.
Ever lose your smile because of the way somebody else thought of you? And I don’t mean in only that moment I mean for your whole God d*mn life. This is the way I feel every time I try to conversate with my husband. Everything that I am feeling on the inside gets turned onto me. I have zero relationship with my sisters or even my dad. I can’t try anymore to be a part of any of these beings. Anything I do is immediately used against me. I am not sure if they will even say another word to me for as long as I breathe.
My husband will tell you that I am too difficult. I will maintain and tell you that my standards are just a little bit too high. I don’t need to waste time feeling sorry for myself or them. We only get this one chance, so I truly just want to live. I don’t want to be constantly looking over my shoulders or covering my ears. I would rather be able to trust the company that I keep.
My reality is that I am just merely mediocre so maybe it is time I give up trying to live any other way. Maybe being a fly on a wall would be a little bit easier than trying to come to terms with how it is that one acts so depraved. The lies we tell to ensure that we are relevant are the very words that will cut others deeper than a knife. I am not sure why it is that we prefer to act this way when we have been told a long time ago that it is a lot easier simply just to be nice.
Does anybody in this life like to be called a liar and a faker when all that they are trying to do is live in a world that is promised to be free. We are accommodating to everybody else in the world. The bi’s, the pansexuals and don’t forget the fakes. It’s like if you don’t fall into one of these categories then the rest of the world once to burn you at the stake. Your opinion means nothing because who are you to even share your story. You have to be somewhat of a minority these days before anybody out there shows you a little bit of compassion and begins to care.
The truth is if you are a straight, white woman in today’s times you are a minority, and nobody gives you any sort of room just to be free. If you dress up, you do so because you are skank looking for money instead of just trying to find your own and just come into being. You have to be somewhat confrontational in what you are saying without stepping on other beings’ toes to boots. This mentality is kind of impossible and I believe it begins somewhere inside all of our roots.
The only person that matters right now in this family circle hates me larger than life. There is nothing I can do to make that man happy, and I think I am about to throw in the towel at being his wife. I struggle everyday just to breathe like most do and now I am being told I am doing it to be difficult or to get attention, that accusation rips my heart out and stabs me over and over again with a knife. At night I want to disappear. Just lay my head down and just drift away. I think it has almost become utterly impossible to believe that I am worthy enough to even life for one more day.