I Hate Myself

I hate myself today. I hated myself yesterday too. Being this sick for the last few months has finally come to a head and it will be the reason that I finally go insane.

It must be COVId I have zero taste and my lungs just can never seem to get in enough air. I feel crippled in he sense that I can’t move from room to room without grasping onto he walls or making deals with devil because nobody else seems to care.

I hate myself because my husband let’s me know I am faking it and he follows it up with smoking in the house. Nothing strangles me faster in life then the lack of pure oxygen floating around in the air. I can tell he hates me too and he wastes no time letting me know that everybody else around me does too.

I am told that I should no longer write anything. Everything I use will now be used against me to prove just what kind of mother I truly am. The emotional turmoil I feel inside my head each day is trying to convince myself that it may just be time to leave. I am a coward who is just incredibly too weak. I want to believe in salvation but I am starting to believe it is not worthy of somebody like me.

Don’t worry I am not going to die. Well, all that I am good at these days is crying. The amount of disrespect I feel in this place is alarming. Why am I like this? Why?

What’s the sense in cleaning a place if your husband is just going to come home and ash on the floor. Every step on cigarette ash in the middle of the night as a non smoker? It feels like the ultimate slap in the face. I quit ciggy’s almost 6 years ago and he promised that he was going to do the same. I never would have succumbed to this life if it was always going to be like this now I am a shell of a being that can never the house.

I know that what is wrong in my life is me. I am a horrible human being void of any kind of valuable human interaction. I do have a few persona’s online who have become me lifeline but I am bankrupt of any sort of human affection and love. I want to scream and run and curse at the Universe for making me this way. I am the product of adolescent abuse received from her boyfriend regularly for the next 1.5 years of her high school career. It damages you in ways that I can’t even explain always wondering and worrying when they will next begin to lower the boom. It’s like I feel like I can see through other being’s betrayal so my heart tells me to begin to push them away.

I am so broken and damaged that I can no longer see any good that could be waiting for me in this life. I try to have a friend, somebody who is close to me but they all end up leaving sometime before the end. I know what you are thinking what about your son but would you believe that little guy is filled with so much rage? I know life would be better for him if we went our separate ways but its the amount of animals that we have that prevents life from moving in such a way.

Another thought running through your mind is why don’t you talk to somebody but in my mind I have talked to enough psychiatrists and counsellors. You begin not trusting the specialists in mental health in disorders when they begin to tell you things that will really destroy your brain. I remember once confiding to my counsellor about all the abuse that I had sustained. She wanted me to try cognitive behavior to help me not feel so isolated and insane. What she told me is that nobody could ever abuse or rape me now. That I was way too big of a girl for that to happen now that it would take a real big man to even make me fall.

Excuse you? Yes I had ballooned up to over 200 pounds. It was all he medications that she was feeding me that made me feel larger than life in every possible way except for in my brain. That couldn’t be the ultimate solution that I was to fat now in this life to ever feel pain. How can you trust a professional after that diagnosis that big girls are incapable of being raped. I think I hated myself more after that consult that day it took everything inside me not to go over the edge and finally become insane.

It’s the loneliness that kills me every time that he comes home. I know now that I am good for nothing all I can do is try to stop the tears from rolling down my face this I now know. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t listen to all the ways that people hate me because now I hate myself too. I never knew that I could feel this low but when you hear it all the time what is a girl to do?

I lost my passion for creating content because like my husband says nobody out there cares. What I do it is all for nothing I should just hide under a rock and stay there. All I ever wanted in life was a little bit of compassion mixed in with some honesty. That is why I push others away because I can see through who it is they are trying to be. I hate myself today in a way I never thought possible. Everything that has ever been said bad about me is taking me down to a low I have never seen before in an isolation I never thought I would know.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. We all stumble, we all fall, but the trick is not to just stand up, it’s in embracing that fall and yet strengthening our way of Life out of it!

    Don’t hate Yourself. Please Don’t!
    You’re perfect in your being. Be in Love with Yourself. In all it’s entirety. Embrace Yourself without a hint of any remorse. Be passionate for yourself. And everything else will get in place.
    Please Take care and lift your spirit! 🙂

    Like

    1. Thank you for hearing me ❤ I don’t feel so alone in this world because you took the time to comment. Thank you ❤

      Like

      1. You’re most welcome Ruby..🙂
        And Yes, You’re certainly not alone.. ! 🌻

        Like

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