The Invisible Noose

I finally understand Robin Williams pain and how he came to the conclusion that he could no longer live another day. The constant pressure from the outside world to constantly be happy while living in your best image is a complication in my brain that I can no longer ignore and I have grown tired of trying to even explain.

There’s these demons in my head that tells me to keep everybody away. That in the end it will be a lot easier that way so I began to cut out the liars and the cheats and any other being who believed it was their God given right to act so depraved.

Morally I believe that I am bankrupt after all the years I have been forced to endure. I tell my story so other people don’t have to experience this pain but then I am being told that I am a liar and that my life never happened that way.

I am told that what I say I say it for attention not because it began to eat a hole in my heart and took over my brain. It took me 37 years to have my family now I want to know why it has to be this way. It’s not my son, I love him dearly even when he tells me hates me and he wants me to go away. I know he is just becoming the by product of all of our fights and I don’t know how much longer I have it in me to even stay.

I am confused. Where do I go. Am I just some sort of loser who takes up space inside of this house? I don’t really have friends, I don’t have anybody and that is because I am embarrassed of who I have become in all sorts of ways. Yes I am here because I pushed myself in the corner so who am I to ask for sympathy? I can’t believe I have to live out my years with a man who completely hates me. Do I honestly have to keep on living in such a way?

I guess it makes sense because my Dad hates me too and it all starts out with how I insist on knowing the truth. Don’t pull the wool over my eyes and tell me the words I want to hear when all I want is the ability to trust another being outside of even myself. What I know I know for certain and the secret to life is being able to find yourself true love.

Now if that is the secret then it must be something obtainable by all and the only thing we can guarantee is the true love we hold for ourselves. If you live in a world that is filled with negativity how are you ever going to believe in yourself and demand to know the answers more to that how are you ever going to believe in the truth? The truth is we are all worthy to bask in the warmth of being loved and adored by the masses but it truly has to begin somewhere deep inside ones self.

I can build myself up as much as I can but all it takes is one stranger to destroy all that it is that I have built. It becomes worse when it is my husband, my spouse always looks at me with so much content and filth. The words that escapes his lips when he talks to me makes the knot a little bit tighter around the noose. If you hate me so much in all of my entirety why can’t you do what is best for both of us and cut me loose?

Everybody around me, it seems, is easily agitated by all things that make me me. I must be a slut if I encourage other’s to love there body even though I can’t remember a time when I was even laid. By somebody who loves me? Probably going on 10 plus years. Which speaks volumes when you begin to think about it because I have been married for almost years. There is no love or intimacy inside this marriage and I think that is the driving force behind what is making me insane. I am a creature who loves to be close, kiss and cuddle and devoid of that I feel nothing anymore except for hatred towards myself. I hate myself so much I can’t even breathe. Now what does that even begin to say about big ol me?

There is a fear in being this depressed that just maybe I won’t be strong enough to live another day. I know I know I have a son who adores me but there is just something inside of me that breaks when he fills with so much rage. All I want is to be a good mom to my son but it gets so hard when all I do is feel this way. Is this truly what a family is supposed to feel like or did I wait to long to try and force something into going my way?

If you do the math it’s simple I only have one or two people here on Earth. I have a mother that I am too scared to go drive and see because my anxiety has decided to take over everything that is me. My two sister’s despise me with their heart and soul. They don’t even acknowledge that they have a nephew and it breaks my heart that in the future I will have to explain.

Mommy was an addict who found herself coach surfing at some point in her life. All she wanted was to find somebody who was truthful in their quest to save her instead of making fun of her in every possible way. I wonder why people think they can say whatever they want to about somebody else without any expectations that the person they speak of will one day hear. That is why I cut people out of my life so easily. If you have nothing nice to say then you better high tail it to the streets. Sure I used to lie but there is no benefit of doing so now. I haven’t told a lie since I was just a teen. Bended the truth maybe but I prefer to say nothing. How can people twist yours words if no words have even be said?

They do and they always will no matter how much distance you put between you and them. Some people are just engrained to be mean and behave a little differently then using some of the common sense that should be taking up space in their brain.

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