Who Am I Because I am Starting to Forget

Depression is this insane roller coaster ride of emotions that leaves you thinking that you will never, ever be good enough. It wreaks havoc on your brain leaving you feeling entirely insane. For a while you can battle it solo, but it becomes a daunting task when those you surround yourself see no good in your being or even your name.

What I know best is that feeling of hate. Everybody in my life has turned their back on me and I have no idea why. Yes, I do. I was born differently. I was bred to be able to withstand great bouts of pain. Pain so gripping it will take the strongest of hearts but there is something inside of me from preventing me from taking my own life and stop this incestuous drip into the outside world.

How is one supposed to feel when the rest of the world constantly turns their back on them. I have to let these demons out of me, or they will take me down to depths I don’t want to be. This sorrow is suffocating, and I see no way out. This is what happens when all you hear is negativity you become the very words that others keep using to define you.

How many times do I need to be told to kill myself before I start believing that I deserve to die? How many friends need to try to kill me before I truly begin to believe all their lies? I know what it feels like to be pointed at and laughed at and trust me it isn’t fun. How I wish the Universe would allow somebody to look at me with love in their eyes, I guess I already have had that one </3

I made a deal with the devil and at times now I truly regret. I did what I did to be close to my family and now I fear all that they wish for me is to be covered in dirt. How does anybody do this alone because I am not sure anymore if I can. It’s like anytime somebody is worthy of getting close to me the Universe takes them away in only the way that she can.

I’m crying. I cry. It seems that is all that I do these days. I wish I could one day be happy as I sit back and dream of all the ways. I have to say what is in my heart because what is starting to take over me is something so incredibly dark. It is hard for me to want to do almost anything because I have been made fun of that being almost every single day.

Who am I and where am I going? Is there any way I could simply just disappear without too many people actually knowing? I thought I was getting stronger but now I notice that I am incredibly weak. It is so hard to get the gloom from out of my body. I used to be able to but now I am just struggling.

Every time I open my eyes it is like Death has knocked on someone else’s door and taken them away. There will be no chance for uttering our forgiveness just another friend who will forever be kept at bay. Too many lives lost too soon and then I wonder if maybe I could possibly next. The time to make your peace with somebody is now and if you don’t think so then you might as well just forget it.

So here I am. Fear of my own body and too scared of the ridicule that is sure to come. What I loved to do is now my biggest insecurity, leaving me wondering just what a girl is to do. I hate myself in a way I never thought possible because I let what others say about me become what I believed. How do I combat that? Fake it to I make it like I am somebody again. All I wanted was a partner and the promise of a forever friend. What I got was so much inner turmoil that I don’t even recognize my own name.

Who am I? I guess I need to define that question again. What is it that I still want to achieve in this life, and would I be ok with only having fur ever friends? Think about it you live in your own mind and heart not anybody else’s. Why would I even entertain listening to such vile gossip when I know the truth that is spiraling around inside my head.

I am constantly being made fun of for the lack of acquaintances that I have. It’s because I believe in actually quality over quantity and don’t feel the need to keep those around me that are secretly trying to get it so that I go insane. Why? Why let anybody keep on saying the worst things in the World that they can about you? They dig frantically for anything they can find so they can slang it around like it ain’t no thang cuz it’s not. There isn’t even a fraction of truth to all their lies and if you allow them to keep on trying to dig up something eventually, they will succeed, and you won’t be able to recover from that kind of hurt.

Depression is that weight that needs you to fall to the deepest depths down below. Somehow, they believe there is safety in numbers, I think that rings true when it comes to slanging up so much dirt. Think about the reasons why anybody in this world would want to be perceived as being better than anybody else. These are the beings that will sell out their first-born children just so they can have a life that they think they deserve. At times I think this is what I did when I listened to the demands of a man who didn’t care about me.

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