Sometimes you really have to step outside of yourself to really know yourself, let’s just hope that your inner child doesn’t get in the way. Inside your mind you have to push all buttons and limitations in order to trigger your brain to start thinking another way. Conformity, right? That is where we are all heading, right? Doing what the masses do so we stay entertained.
We will sell off our first born so that we can get our rocks off not really caring if they grow up to be ok. Not me. My son is my lifeline. He is the reason why will always get up and try. Sure, some days are harder, but I will never give up the drive or fight to stay alive. I know what I have said in the past when my surroundings grew dark, that is why I always turned to sharing my emotions because the strength that I get from some of you is the reason why I hold on for the ride and never part.
The roller coaster of emotions that I experience would be enough to cripple the regular Joe that insists on looking my way. Nobody would truly understand how it is that I became this way. Everybody wants to hear the details but nobody can truly appreciate the truth. What I am told is that I am nothing but a liar and sometimes it gets too much for me to always have to hear so what is a girl to do?
Live on. Move on. Don’t worry about what it is that anybody else is trying to say. Sometimes people say the worst that it is that they can about you in order for them to feel something that they haven’t felt in years. They like to cause problems so they can be the source of other people’s anguish and worry all so they can feel better about themselves and live to lie another day. You can tell who they are by the sides they keep. Never pay much mind to those who insist on following like they are lost sheep. Those are the ones we should worry about the most and not the secrets that we hoped they would keep.
Keep your circle small for sure because you can never trust what other people will one day say. Whose sides they will decide to take when the rest of the world is safe asleep. That is the problem with some people, they hold onto the past like it is the source of all of their wildest dreams. Defending those who are most vile on their best days and becoming something worse on the days that they don’t.
I have forgotten who I am and where it is that I have come. That is the pain that is always coming for me trying to get it, so the bad man always wins, and I forget how to play. I can’t tell you how it feels to have to live this way, all the time. In the shadows to scared, some days to even breathe.
Maybe it is the anti-depressants I have been on for so long. Why do I ever still want to be on them. What are the long-term side effects of a drug that alters your mind right now if I think about it too long, I am starting to get creeped out. Should I stop writing every day. Is that what I need these days to dry and save some part of my soul. I could burn another candle or clutch onto a crystal, but I need to the know the purpose or I don`t think there is anything to come of doing anything so completely purposeful. Unintentionally maybe. I don`t know.
I have so many thoughts. So many thoughts of people who time has taken way to soon. I think and wonder if I will see them in the next life ever or do we have to wait until the next one for our lives to cross again one day, maybe, my fear is never but then there is nothing I can do. Destiny is there for us to fall into and just enjoy the ride wherever it decides to take us to.
When I think about hope I feel crushed because there are things that were spoken in the past that now haunt me when I think about them too much to. I see the intersections now where my angels were drying to keep the devil out. Haunting right. It cripples me because even though I can see what the outcome would have been if I would have kept running in the wrong direction. Thankful for the presence of beautiful angels let me light an incense for them or two.
It had to be done with thoughts so scattered I am not sure if they are ones that I should write down or ignore so I think I should stop writing all together now so here I am done. Eeps not at 836 words my goal is 1000 words a day I don`t know I guess it has been a source for me to journal and get my thoughts out so here I go. Cough Cough did that count as words I am not sure let me check. Eeek! I am not going to let you know where we are at so let me try to start again. So let me go and say something important about me me shhhh let me speak.
Ha ha what just happened. That was so rather frantic. I have no idea what I am saying now so I guess this should be the end. I will try again tomorrow. Maybe. That was kind of awful. Sorry to get you all over here for nothing. Please forgive me 🙂