Scared of this Existence

Now that is a turn of the seasons. Something that I will never entirely be ready for. What we as humans have to contain is the very reason why we are all feeling insane. No identity. No hope or chance of even realizing our good names. What our ancestors fought so tirelessly for we take for granted and use it to try and even out the score.

What it feels like to be hated makes me hold my head down. I am too tired of feeling weak for me to ever try to lift my head up again. I do what I do as a mother and angel who is constantly guiding me. Never saying a whisper in order to get other people to finally speak.

I used to know who I was, and I could say so with so much strength and perseverance. Well, that was until another man tried to come and take my voice away. Everything that is said is said to me to be mean. I don’t know how I ended up this way my heart is too tired of even trying to explain.

Yes, I live my life differently too scared to come out of the shadows so that other people around me might be forced to feel something a little differently. I am confused by the uncertainty of the world that hides behind every shadow. When is my time coming because I am sick of feeling weak.

Who is it you want to be then gravitate towards her. You don’t need to listen to other’s just to give ourselves a chance to speak. There are those that will always grow tired of living in your shadows so then you have to watch for that proverbial knife that is to come so that you will end up feeling weak.

I think about it a lot. Sometimes nauseating at best. Who are those people who always are trying to get a little bit closer to me. It’s like I hear you coming, and I am aware of your previous conquests. Maybe it is time you leave this game for the experts as you lay in waiting and become nothing at all. There are those that try to capitalize on what is right in front of them and for me I don’t think I can ever live that way. I can’t mock the ghosts and ancestors that roam among us. Only they have a chance in this Universe to simply even out the score.

My vibration is wrong so I want to try and cleanse it more authentically and the only way I can think about doing that is increasing what I know. It is impossible to think that you can trust almost anybody if you ask me what I am thinking I will tell them that they have a long way to go. To be able to authenticate another being’s existence is like pulling porcupine quills out of a rabid beast. You don’t really want to get too close to it but you do want to do what is right so you will make the best attempt with the being to try and get nice and close and wait. Always wait to see what their next move may just be. You have no idea what may happen if you don’t at least decide to try.

All I can think and say is I can’t believe I survived through all that. There was no idea in my mind that I was ever going to have to endure something like that. I just did what I needed to do to survive. The drain. The drag. The constant eating away of my psyche and brain. I am merely a shell of who I used to be, but I want to start redefining myself as hopefully something a little bit more.

I feel hated in this life because that is how I allowed that man to let me feel and to say anything but is a disregard to my true feelings. Now I sit here a fraction of the woman that I used to be out of fear of doing something wrong or forgetting how it feels like to breathe. Breathe in fresh air that is. That is what I truly crave. I wish for a time simpler than this existence that I now find myself in.

I just get so confused on what it is that I am really feeling or if it may just be something I fabricated deep inside my head. To have another being that I trust would be the breath of fresh air that I crave. Maybe one day. I remember having that kind of companion once. I fear that he has lost his way amongst the living, and I will have to wait until I die to hear from him ever again.

What keeps you going is the hope that maybe one day all your hopes and dreams will eventually come one. Wouldn’t that be incredibly to finally believe and understand how it is the west was finally won. Isn’t that what they used to say to make it so that we somehow always one day believe that the best is yet to come and all the other incredible blessings we may achieve. We have to do something to at least motivate our brain so that we can feel something again. I know that I do and in the complete hesitation as being labelled as weird I just want to be me again.

I have no idea what that even means now. Years have been beaten into the ground. I wish that things would be easier one day but then I just maybe dead and that is a feeling that still rocks me to my core. I am scared of that existence more than anything. Why keep on worrying about something that has done nothing more than rob me of sleep. One day, one day maybe I will like and appreciate the company that I keep.

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