My brain is still distorted. Like I woke up in an alternate Universe and time. Too scared of my own shadow, where all the good men and women have come to die. We used to do things out of love for ourselves and our own families but not we have turned into something I don’t even know how to explain.

First off forgo all entities that contributed to your success and future that in the end had a hand in helping you turn out this way. Think about who you were before this obsessive nature all started. A time before you just laid onto your backside hoping to get pleased. Sure, I play a character in life but that is to encourage others to get outside of their comfort zone. I have no desire to pretend to be something that my Grandmother never had hope one day that I would turn out to be.

Sure, my husband likes to terrorize me. I think he does it more the longer he thinks in his head that I may one day leave. Maybe in time I will one day but not until my family is safe and it has come my time to leave. I think about my Grandparents and how they lived every day for each other. They didn’t question how it is that they came together and how their family came to be. Becoming a mother was everything to me. It wasn’t something that I wanted to engage myself in then head to the front door and leave. What I believed is this family would become my be all end all. Where I would come to feel safe in my life when everybody else around me decided to turn around and leave.

You know what I think is kind of intriguing. How if sex is this great thing that we are entitled to why don’t we see more animals getting their rocks off? I think it is because sex is more animalistic, a tool used to prolong our species instead of finding out what we can stick next in a hole to get off. The public display of mortification that you insist on making every day so that you can feel a certain way sends off all the bells and whistles that are leading to my brain. We have become so archaic with our wonton ways and poor excuses for family I wonder if humanity will ever thrive again to live another day.

When I think about all the brave women who came before us to try and pave an easier way in the sand for us, I feel a little bit queasy in fact I feel downright sick. How can we tarnish our ancestor’s legacy in such a way by glorifying all the little idiosyncrasies that we now have to engage in just to get off. We don’t want to specialize in anything other than squirting and figuring out a way to attract others into become a sex addicted sloth.

When people ask how I can stick around this house in a loveless, intimate less marriage I try to ask them if they truly understand the cost? There is so much to be done and so little time to do it, I truly value those in my vicinity that I just can’t stand there and take my clothes off. You look at me and say ya right, but I look at you and say of course. I want to empower everybody to live in their best image and not feel intimated by those who insist on being anybody and going anywhere that we eventually will have to take your clothes off. Those who will respect you will do so indefinitely so you don’t have to worry about the wayward trolls that come with existing in this world.

So, here’s the deal. I don’t work so it gives me lots of time to point the finger and even begin to bat an eye. If all we had to do was live authentically and not hurt anybody, I wonder why in this timeline it feels so impossible to even do. Who we have become we do so for attention with little or no care or regard for others we find living among us in this cold not so deserving world.

I am an advocate for living because I find myself surrounded by life. I can see how each animal interacts with each other and how they are more than furry friends that exist here with each other they have become a family of friends that will have each other’s backs until the bitter end. You may think that they don’t, but I can tell you it’s true. You should see them all come to gather whenever one of them who is sick walks into the room. They all gather with curious eyes as they keep low to the ground. It’s like they are trying to dodge the rays of negativity that are all around trying to hurt them.

I am not a sex crazed, crazy person I am just crazed when it comes to my own life. I want to live in the most beautiful image that I can even muster knowing that my Grandmother’s smile comes alive in my eyes. I can’t help but think about her when she was my age. I wish I was privy to a young girls hope and dreams and maybe just a glimpse or two to how living back then was seen through her eyes. Every day was the same on the farm getting up with the sun to feed her chickens. I can’t think of a better way to even honour her then rising every day to greet the pets and plants who rely on me for the basic of necessities and yes to even be fed.

One day this all won’t matter so it is best to keep trying to make your mark. One day none of this will even matter. We will close our eyes one day and be kept forever in the dark.