Cracked on the Inside

There is just something that breaks inside of you afteryears of trying not let it bother you that you can’t even begin to ignore anymore. All I wanted was to get hay for my chinchilla’s, but it turned into a nightmare and ended up something kind of like this.

He misplaced his phone again. Instead of being courteous about it, it turned into a hid his phone to try and make him crazy. Why would I bother trying to engage with him in anyway. Does he think I enjoy being insulted up to and including with our son looking on. I was trying to bundle him up because all he saw was rage and to watch the look of horror in my son’s eyes is a look, I will never be able to forget or even explain.

What he said to my son was your mother is a loser. Everybody hates her because she is mentally imbalanced and a little bit deranged. Her sister’s hate her because she is not a good person. Nobody likes your mother, and I am sorry that she is your mom.

I looked in his eyes and he looked so confused and heartbroken. I couldn’t understand why I grown man would want to hurt a 5-year-old in this way. We have had this fight and we have had it quite often and I have asked him not to use my secrets against me to try and highlight all my pain. Yes, my sisters are estranged. They hate everything that there is possible to hate about somebody and I have tried to come to terms with it in my own way. I don’t need it thrown in my face every single day. It is what it is and some people aren’t meant to blend. Imagine your husband using it against you like it was some sort of trump card he had in place.

Instead of hurting me he ended up hurting our son. Citing everybody in my life would hate me when they find out about me. Physically he has never laid a hand on me but subconsciously I am done. Imagine telling somebody you built a family with that they are garbage in your eyes, and they are good for nothing, and they better get a good lawyer to help me by the time he is finished and done. That is who I live with. Every action has a consequence and I know I need to run away but I can’t leave my son with him or even behind.

Imagine the person you partnered with hates everything about you and gets off seeing you cry. They will use everything in their power to come and get you leaving no eye dry when they decide to leave the room. It doesn’t make sense to me. Everything I do around here is all for nothing. I think I understand what my mom did when she could no longer get up and try. There is something so humbling about giving up your career in order for another being to thrive. It becomes easier to use the argument that that person in your presence is good for nothing. How else can you explain their lack of motivation and missing drive?

Everyday no matter how hard I try I will be greeted with look at all this filth. It doesn’t matter what I chosen to clean or how many hours I wasted he will always find a rock that wasn’t overturned, and he will need an explanation as to why. He has broken my heart in every possibly way and there is no way in this lifetime I will ever know the reason as to why. To hear him say he has letter’s written from his ancestor’s denouncing me as being a good woman just makes me want to slap him in the face and run away and hide.

I have to be an advocate of self-love because without me doing so I would have nothing. I have to be my son’s cheering squad, so he doesn’t grow up believing that there was something wrong with him I need him to know that it was always me. I will become quieter and meeker like a mouse in order to keep him safe. He doesn’t deserve to hear parents speak like that no matter how old he is and what has happened over all of these years.

It was the look that did it for me. The sadness in his eyes when he realized the source of all my pain. I couldn’t help the tears from falling. Listening to him spout off facts about my life was just about more than I could handle that was until he tried to land his final blow. With a look of complete disgust and what he hoped would be utter devastation he told me to do the world a favour and consume every pill in my cabinet. Do what you always promised the world you would do and eat all those pills that you have so you can do us a favour and die. My son was right there beside me. Holding onto my hand and looking so afraid. Why does a 5-year-old have to listen to a man who can’t control his emotions when the only feeling he seems to be focused on is the one with so much rage.

I looked at him with the bravest face I owned and smiled and simply said that I would never give him the satisfaction of taking my own life when I can crawl far deeper under his skin while I am alive. That no matter how he tried to defeat me I would never let him win. How could he do something so deceitful encouraging my son to let his bad emotions win. For me I can’t continue looking at a man who loves to tell me how much of a waste of skin I truly am. He forgets I gave up my whole life for this family and to try and save me, I wish I could say the same sort of thing about him.


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